wondering spies

hey, its been a while. you look great by the way. what have you been up to?

stupid banter between ex's, thats what that is.

i am writing at the request (and/or demand) of my dearest friend. no names, as we are participating in semi-criminal activity. i am walking the line between stalking and harmlessly loving from three steps behind you.

SO HERE YOU GO. a post i never posted. i started it ages ago, when it happened and i finished it today from memory. please excuse the changes in voice and tone, this was from about a year ago.

BEGIN

well this past sunday i went to go play the ponies with some good buddies of mine. the horse races are held at golden gate fields, where the bay goes to play. now contrary to what the name would make you believe, the fields are in albany. not new york but east bay.

i am no longer allowed to operate a motor-vehicle. SO i had to take public transportation. granted the public transportation systems are great in the city and surrounding area it is still public transportation. traveling on someone else's schedule.

whatever.

my plan - muni to bart. that will get me to the east bay. i walk to west portal, in the rain. the weather was shitty. at west portal train i get on the l. sitting in the car i notice a cute boy with malcom x framed glasses. he is adorable an sitting facing me some distance away. i think we were aware of each other, he only noticing me, maybe, i staring at him through the heads of strangers.

we ride from west portal on the l to civic center. i leave the train, he tavels on. at civic center i mourn my loss, buy my bart ticket and hop on the train to the east bay.

now, it is a sunday so not all the trains are running.

HERE BEGINS MEMORY REMEMBERING

i take the train to whatever stop brings me closest to the gg fields. there is a shuttle that goes to and from the tracks. i get off bart, and guess who comes off not but a few doors down, the very same cute boy with malcom x framed glasses.

OH MY OH MY OH MY.

i freeze at the feet of fate. i do not know what to do. so i ignore this precious serendipitous gift and awkwardly shuffle over to the shuttle stop. coincidence, this is only a coincidence.

huddling in the rain i wait for the shuttle, reading the signs, times of arrival and departure, the last shuttle, how much it would cost if you split a cab with strangers. i keep an eye on the dude, just out of curiosity, when lo and behold, the cute boy starts walking over. i freeze again, just in case his vision is based on movement.

he cant be walking over to talk to me.

and dont worry, he wasnt. he is, though, on his way to golden gate fields too. we wait. board. and do not acknowledge we are destined to be together forever, through out time and across space. legendary true love and pony based prosperity.

i am flipping out on the inside but hold it together and text my buddies at the fields.

now. because i dont have a printer, i didnt have my ticket with me and was bracing myself to wait in the rain again.

off the shuttle we go. i get on my phone and start calling my friends, peripherally searching for my star crossed love. HE IS ON HIS FUCKING PHONE TOO! doing just the same god damn thing i am.

we both get off our phones and wait.

my friends arrive and we go upstairs to the box seat lunch groupon bought deal. as i slip out of his grasp, i see his friends join him and they head inside.

again. lost.

my friends and i split some nachos, quesadillas, and other appetizers, while pretending to be fancy pony playing high rollers. we pay for NOTHING. thanks group on. ALSO, we have so much coupon wealth, we give a little to a family with a cute baby.

SO, the reason we came to golden gate fields, what we braved the elements for, are the $1 beer and hotdogs. so, a downstairs we go.

i use two of my credits for hotdogs which i stow away in my backpack. i then grab myself a beer.

i turn to join my friends AND WHO DO I FUCKING SEE, that very same cute boy with malcom x framed glasses.

i look him dead in the eye. i know this is the moment i have been waiting for my whole life, my 'cant hardly wait' turn of fate, my 'amelie' connection, i had not known true beauty til this moment. so i down the beer and run.

i rejoin my friends and tell them the whole story, the muni, the bart, the shuttle and now this. they tell me i should go talk to him. i said, no, its too late. then i say, maybe, if i see him again.

they say, ok there he goes.

i turn around see him, he looks at me and i awkwardly shutter and collapse in on myself and turn right round.

so i left the fields, dejected, somewhat buzzed, very uncomfortable, one dollar poorer and devoid of destiny packaged true love.

as, i said, this was all from memory. so this is how the story ends, and i have made myself depressed for no reason today.

better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

::In Memoriam:27::Alfred Lord Tennyson::

Fuck yourself Tennyson.

Seriously.

I HAVE LOST A GREAT DEAL RECENTLY AND IT IS NOT BETTER TO HAVE WHATEVER THE FUCK, THEN NEVER HAVE WHATEVER THE FUCK AT ALL. Dick.

All I’m saying is that its gorgeous outside but, there ain’t no sunshine cause he’s gone.

My motherfuckin favorite is back in…you know…BUT he has not come by at all. I am devastated.

I could look him up in the office data system, but that is breaking all sorts of privacy laws. I could find his address and hang out in his neighborhood but, that can be seen as stalking and stalking is a crime; a crime difficult to prove but, a dangerous venture to say the least. I could find his phone number but, with modern technological advances like caller ID, that may be the stupidest strategy yet.

I wish I could will him to come into the office. Even call in. Hehe, that sounded like his name…no it didn’t. Pay no attention to that…or heed this warning: snitches get stitches. So stop snitchin.

Mother fucker.

Love is dangerous and so am I! JK JK. I’m harmless. See warning above.

I long for him. My days are empty without the opportunity to serve him. How do I live without you, I want to know. I rise every morning with the hopes that I might be useful once more, that I may see him, that I might touch his hand, or perhaps touch his life. The chance that perhaps, maybe, somehow someway, the stars could align and he could serendipitously cross my path – this is the only reason I continue this drudge. Why I haven’t shuffled off this mortal coil. Why I give pause.

But, you’re killin’ me man. Fucking killin’ me.

I write today, in hopes that this may summon him. This may be the ripple in energy that will float him to my shores. So far. Nothing. I’ll give it a day.

I also write because a good friend of mine and her friend of hers started a blog and I started following it. They write about crap.

I write of love, the one thing that keeps this world together, the hope, the glue, the only meaning for we, the lonely and wretched beasts treading surface of earth; the only sentient creatures on this desolate planet with the ability to wax poetic.

I write of substance. Where the fuck is my muse. He better not have gotten married already. But his wicked she-bitch (shut up I know that’s both redundant and stupid. It sounds cool) would be one explanation as to why he is not visited.

My stars…he is held captive. Denied his freedom. Unable to…pursue our love. For shame she-bitch. Hater.

where did you go, my lovely?

the school year has begun and there is no sign of my estudiante favorito. i didnt say school year...yea i did. i shouldnt, but to day we are adventurers! this blog is going to die soon; it is already pretty comatose, no brain function, kept on life support to satisfy the family's selfish need to hang on. sometimes theres no turning back is all.

the last post was from the summer. yea. long ole time ago. last i time i wrote, he was saying good bye, 'ill see you when the colors of the leaves turn orange, your favorite color.' then he nudged my chin between his finger and thumb, kissed me on my forehead, turned and slid out the door.

none of that happened. he did say bye for the summer tho.

i wasnt supposed to see him over this seasonal break, i did tho.

i am a mess in so many ways. i constantly get myself into terrible situations, some with consequences that necessitate a visit to a medical professional.

i had to make a trip to visit a doctor who handles lady business. it is a sneaky venture to say the least. nonchalantly wander in, and then attempt a speedy exit unnoticed by bystanders.

i went in, stripped, got felt up, was made extremely uncomfortable and ashamed, got some Rx and put my clothes back on.

as i was exiting the facilities, just about out the door, i see my favorite. he was geared up and talking to some contemporaries. working rotations at my gynecologist office.

he was gorgeous and had i not been drowning in embarrassment i would have appreciated it more and would be able poetically detail his appearance ad nauseum. i do believe he was wearing a long sleeve, striped, button up shirt, that i want to say was a light purple, lavender, something.

i saw him, with a smooth effortless casualality he says hello. (yes i made up the word, causalality; it is casual but a noun...i think. it doesnt matter, i think you are picking up on my intention. ALSO, yes it is meant to look like causality, because love has a body count.) he also said my name and waved at me in that kind of brush off, salute, chop motion, which is not as dismissing as im making it sound now.

after awkwardly acknowledging each others presence i realize that i am in the most embarrassing health facility imaginable. (embarrassing because of the touching, not because of the ladyness of it all. (wow im making up words all over the place)) it hits all of a sudden, i know what hes doing here, he knows why i am here, and my eyes hit the floor because i cannot handle normal adult situations in my life.

all i could think was, he could totally find out what brought me here, the prescription pad resolution and the overall quality of the lady bits.

it was nice to see him tho.

today

"Today is the greatest
Day I ’ve ever kown
Can’t live for tomorrow
Tomorrow’s much too long
I burn my eyes out
Before I get out"

::today::smashing pumpkins::

mentally i cannot move past 1995. BUT i can still party like its 1999, not remembering how devastatingly disappointing it was to "party" as a 16 yr old. i was at a japantown celebration with my family. my boyfriend at the time was there too. i think i blew him in the hotel room when no one was looking. jesus didnt want us to have sex but didnt mind me on my knees. i guess cum shots to the face are just what jesus would do. over sharing but im just in that kind of mood.

im a lil under the weather and having inner ear problems. shall we talk about painfully obsessive infatuation? lets.

so, in previous encounter, which i forgot to mention in the last post, my favorite had stopped in, and as he was leaving he said, "i wont be seeing you for a while, like all summer. will you miss me?" i looked at him as if to say "more then you will ever know, return to me, you are my only joy." i really said, "sure will." because i am an ass.

well after all that i expected a summer free from embarrassment and the taste of my foot in my throat.

until today, he strolls right in, back pack free, still in the blue button up and says something to me but i am to wound up in the unexpected crossing of our paths. he was radiant today.

strolls, he really waltzes, floats gracefully across the floor, a floor unfit for the steps of a god. now his entrance was extra special today, an arrow to the heart, he sang my name!

AND HE WAS NOT SINGING MELISSA!

i of course was unshowered, as i usually am when he comes in; this time three days unkempt. i threw him off tho, i saw surprise in his eyes, a subtle pause as he looked a smidgen longer as if to make sure it was not someone else.

i got contacts. there is nothing between us any longer, i can lock eyes with him. look into the window of his soul with my real eyes. no glass separating what could be our love in real time, in wide screen HD. ive been working with out my glasses cause they piss me off, but this time was different, he could tell i was seeing, the focus was there.

what happens next does not matter. for we saw each other for the first time, he sang and i answered with a piercing gaze into to the very depths of his being.

i honestly dont remember what happened next. i know i spoke with an only partly shame soaked stutter and tripped only slightly over my more coherent speech.

i found footing i never noticed before; probably cause i was blind, both literally and figuratively, the latter being the blinding light of love.

he came close, no contrived leaning on desks, no backpack crutch, just us, people not servicer and servee. just a dude and a chick.

or not. again i do not actually remember. i think i am anticipating the swift kick to the nuts reality has in store for me. this is his last year. last year of visits. and his finally year with a marital status of single. a facebook status of engaged, the edge; standing on the precipice of freedom and the fall into a maiming death of marriage. if something fated is to happen. it is to happen this 2010-2011. i tip my hand with that, but we are in the home stretch.

its the contacts.

playing from memory

there have been a few run-ins with my precious favorite. i am unable to log them in real time because my job is very demanding. only light late afternoon facebooking is all i can get away with. shame shame, i know your name.

he has called in a few times since we last wrote, blog. it is nice to hear his voice, sweet little whispers in my ear help me forget how he belongs to someone else and will be leaving me june 2011. like romeo and juliet knowing the end is inevitable makes the brief love filled exchanges so much more powerful.

he called multiple times in a day. he needs help. he came in a time or two. i think he may have caught the doggies one visit. kind to animals, his perfection is god like.

i saw him from the bus once. i was riding my way out into the mischief of the night. my public transportation chariot takes me pretty much everywhere i need to go, but it takes me by work going and returning. i saw him, i watched attentivly to see if he glanced up and i may have done a little 'hey, do you see me? i know you' wave; dear god the more i think about it im sure i did it and wish that i didnt.

there is a vague and paranoid memory of him wearing the look of peripheral avoidance, the 'i see you, but i am so enthralled by whatever i am doing i couldnt possibly recognize you'. i know this look all to well, i hate talking to people with whom i only share small talk.

i wanted him to see me, he would then have to acknowledge the fact that i am real person. the office is no where near what i do or who i am as a person. I HAVE FEELINGS AND LOVES OUT SIDE OF....whatever field i said i worked in to keep the anonymity of my employment.

that tho, a creepy 'i recognize you and have been watching and waiting for you to notice me' look and wave would have ruined everything and anything that we have or could have.

well thats all i remember from the recent past. theres a story about today so lets just move on to that...

I AM NOT MELISSA!

so my super fav came in again today. looking particularly hansom. he was wearing the light blue button up shirt i so often see him wearing. i never noticed but he has stunning blue eyes, i love him so much.

man he needs so much help from the office in which i work. not complaining i love seeing him, it just speaks to his character hilariously.

***********previously left drafted, henceforth from memory***********

so, my favorite he is so hansom. i have great taste in everything. i see him and i understand what all those love songs are really about. the world and everything in it make sense only because he exists.

AH, so remembering that day...its really been up and down with him. i have two more stories to tell after finish this one.

PH ME OH MY...it has been such a roller-coaster with him; he is the motley unwashed carnie running the rickettey amusement park of my love weathered heart. thrown up and torn down for too many cities on too long of a tour. this metaphor is awesome, but we must move on.

as i remember, and judging from the all caps exclamation pointed title, it was a low point in the relationship between my favorite and i.

he came in looking for help but none from me (per se, it is my job to help who ever comes in). i, of course, help him with everything he needs and wants ... professionally, unfortunately.

after business is taken care of, he comes by to chat - we are, after all friends bound by a business setting.

he casually comes up to my desk, leans one elbow support style on my desk, still holding his jacket in the fold of his arm, back pack worn high; looking adorably child like he composes himself, preparing to pretend to play adult and says playfully, "melissa..." at which point i glance up at my name plate hanging eye level on the wall and shake my head no.

i dont remember what happened. i am pretty sure, actually certain that what i just described up there was from some run in further back in our relationship.

what you need to take away from this is he called me melissa TWICE. or THRICE. its been too long to pick up this entry.

actually i think this entry is tied to a very labor intensive assistance instance. where he left stabbing my heart saying "thanks melissa."

fuck it. one more thing not to live for.

ha. thats funny to me.

the run ins with him at this time were a bit disappointing, because of reality, ie engagement.

lets move on to the other, more recent tales of love and longing i have kept constipatedly in my mind.

hat trick

He called three times. Each call sexier then the one before.

He's so wonderful and fun to talk to; I want to nuzzle my face against that space between the ear and the shoulder.

I bet he smells good.

Ok I creeped myself there.

Mmm, that sounds nice tho.