hey, its been a while. you look great by the way. what have you been up to?
stupid banter between ex's, thats what that is.
i am writing at the request (and/or demand) of my dearest friend. no names, as we are participating in semi-criminal activity. i am walking the line between stalking and harmlessly loving from three steps behind you.
SO HERE YOU GO. a post i never posted. i started it ages ago, when it happened and i finished it today from memory. please excuse the changes in voice and tone, this was from about a year ago.
BEGIN
well this past sunday i went to go play the ponies with some good buddies of mine. the horse races are held at golden gate fields, where the bay goes to play. now contrary to what the name would make you believe, the fields are in albany. not new york but east bay.
i am no longer allowed to operate a motor-vehicle. SO i had to take public transportation. granted the public transportation systems are great in the city and surrounding area it is still public transportation. traveling on someone else's schedule.
whatever.
my plan - muni to bart. that will get me to the east bay. i walk to west portal, in the rain. the weather was shitty. at west portal train i get on the l. sitting in the car i notice a cute boy with malcom x framed glasses. he is adorable an sitting facing me some distance away. i think we were aware of each other, he only noticing me, maybe, i staring at him through the heads of strangers.
we ride from west portal on the l to civic center. i leave the train, he tavels on. at civic center i mourn my loss, buy my bart ticket and hop on the train to the east bay.
now, it is a sunday so not all the trains are running.
HERE BEGINS MEMORY REMEMBERING
i take the train to whatever stop brings me closest to the gg fields. there is a shuttle that goes to and from the tracks. i get off bart, and guess who comes off not but a few doors down, the very same cute boy with malcom x framed glasses.
OH MY OH MY OH MY.
i freeze at the feet of fate. i do not know what to do. so i ignore this precious serendipitous gift and awkwardly shuffle over to the shuttle stop. coincidence, this is only a coincidence.
huddling in the rain i wait for the shuttle, reading the signs, times of arrival and departure, the last shuttle, how much it would cost if you split a cab with strangers. i keep an eye on the dude, just out of curiosity, when lo and behold, the cute boy starts walking over. i freeze again, just in case his vision is based on movement.
he cant be walking over to talk to me.
and dont worry, he wasnt. he is, though, on his way to golden gate fields too. we wait. board. and do not acknowledge we are destined to be together forever, through out time and across space. legendary true love and pony based prosperity.
i am flipping out on the inside but hold it together and text my buddies at the fields.
now. because i dont have a printer, i didnt have my ticket with me and was bracing myself to wait in the rain again.
off the shuttle we go. i get on my phone and start calling my friends, peripherally searching for my star crossed love. HE IS ON HIS FUCKING PHONE TOO! doing just the same god damn thing i am.
we both get off our phones and wait.
my friends arrive and we go upstairs to the box seat lunch groupon bought deal. as i slip out of his grasp, i see his friends join him and they head inside.
again. lost.
my friends and i split some nachos, quesadillas, and other appetizers, while pretending to be fancy pony playing high rollers. we pay for NOTHING. thanks group on. ALSO, we have so much coupon wealth, we give a little to a family with a cute baby.
SO, the reason we came to golden gate fields, what we braved the elements for, are the $1 beer and hotdogs. so, a downstairs we go.
i use two of my credits for hotdogs which i stow away in my backpack. i then grab myself a beer.
i turn to join my friends AND WHO DO I FUCKING SEE, that very same cute boy with malcom x framed glasses.
i look him dead in the eye. i know this is the moment i have been waiting for my whole life, my 'cant hardly wait' turn of fate, my 'amelie' connection, i had not known true beauty til this moment. so i down the beer and run.
i rejoin my friends and tell them the whole story, the muni, the bart, the shuttle and now this. they tell me i should go talk to him. i said, no, its too late. then i say, maybe, if i see him again.
they say, ok there he goes.
i turn around see him, he looks at me and i awkwardly shutter and collapse in on myself and turn right round.
so i left the fields, dejected, somewhat buzzed, very uncomfortable, one dollar poorer and devoid of destiny packaged true love.
as, i said, this was all from memory. so this is how the story ends, and i have made myself depressed for no reason today.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all
I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
::In Memoriam:27::Alfred Lord Tennyson::
Fuck yourself Tennyson.
Seriously.
I HAVE LOST A GREAT DEAL RECENTLY AND IT IS NOT BETTER TO HAVE WHATEVER THE FUCK, THEN NEVER HAVE WHATEVER THE FUCK AT ALL. Dick.
All I’m saying is that its gorgeous outside but, there ain’t no sunshine cause he’s gone.
My motherfuckin favorite is back in…you know…BUT he has not come by at all. I am devastated.
I could look him up in the office data system, but that is breaking all sorts of privacy laws. I could find his address and hang out in his neighborhood but, that can be seen as stalking and stalking is a crime; a crime difficult to prove but, a dangerous venture to say the least. I could find his phone number but, with modern technological advances like caller ID, that may be the stupidest strategy yet.
I wish I could will him to come into the office. Even call in. Hehe, that sounded like his name…no it didn’t. Pay no attention to that…or heed this warning: snitches get stitches. So stop snitchin.
Mother fucker.
Love is dangerous and so am I! JK JK. I’m harmless. See warning above.
I long for him. My days are empty without the opportunity to serve him. How do I live without you, I want to know. I rise every morning with the hopes that I might be useful once more, that I may see him, that I might touch his hand, or perhaps touch his life. The chance that perhaps, maybe, somehow someway, the stars could align and he could serendipitously cross my path – this is the only reason I continue this drudge. Why I haven’t shuffled off this mortal coil. Why I give pause.
But, you’re killin’ me man. Fucking killin’ me.
I write today, in hopes that this may summon him. This may be the ripple in energy that will float him to my shores. So far. Nothing. I’ll give it a day.
I also write because a good friend of mine and her friend of hers started a blog and I started following it. They write about crap.
I write of love, the one thing that keeps this world together, the hope, the glue, the only meaning for we, the lonely and wretched beasts treading surface of earth; the only sentient creatures on this desolate planet with the ability to wax poetic.
I write of substance. Where the fuck is my muse. He better not have gotten married already. But his wicked she-bitch (shut up I know that’s both redundant and stupid. It sounds cool) would be one explanation as to why he is not visited.
My stars…he is held captive. Denied his freedom. Unable to…pursue our love. For shame she-bitch. Hater.
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
::In Memoriam:27::Alfred Lord Tennyson::
Fuck yourself Tennyson.
Seriously.
I HAVE LOST A GREAT DEAL RECENTLY AND IT IS NOT BETTER TO HAVE WHATEVER THE FUCK, THEN NEVER HAVE WHATEVER THE FUCK AT ALL. Dick.
All I’m saying is that its gorgeous outside but, there ain’t no sunshine cause he’s gone.
My motherfuckin favorite is back in…you know…BUT he has not come by at all. I am devastated.
I could look him up in the office data system, but that is breaking all sorts of privacy laws. I could find his address and hang out in his neighborhood but, that can be seen as stalking and stalking is a crime; a crime difficult to prove but, a dangerous venture to say the least. I could find his phone number but, with modern technological advances like caller ID, that may be the stupidest strategy yet.
I wish I could will him to come into the office. Even call in. Hehe, that sounded like his name…no it didn’t. Pay no attention to that…or heed this warning: snitches get stitches. So stop snitchin.
Mother fucker.
Love is dangerous and so am I! JK JK. I’m harmless. See warning above.
I long for him. My days are empty without the opportunity to serve him. How do I live without you, I want to know. I rise every morning with the hopes that I might be useful once more, that I may see him, that I might touch his hand, or perhaps touch his life. The chance that perhaps, maybe, somehow someway, the stars could align and he could serendipitously cross my path – this is the only reason I continue this drudge. Why I haven’t shuffled off this mortal coil. Why I give pause.
But, you’re killin’ me man. Fucking killin’ me.
I write today, in hopes that this may summon him. This may be the ripple in energy that will float him to my shores. So far. Nothing. I’ll give it a day.
I also write because a good friend of mine and her friend of hers started a blog and I started following it. They write about crap.
I write of love, the one thing that keeps this world together, the hope, the glue, the only meaning for we, the lonely and wretched beasts treading surface of earth; the only sentient creatures on this desolate planet with the ability to wax poetic.
I write of substance. Where the fuck is my muse. He better not have gotten married already. But his wicked she-bitch (shut up I know that’s both redundant and stupid. It sounds cool) would be one explanation as to why he is not visited.
My stars…he is held captive. Denied his freedom. Unable to…pursue our love. For shame she-bitch. Hater.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
where did you go, my lovely?
the school year has begun and there is no sign of my estudiante favorito. i didnt say school year...yea i did. i shouldnt, but to day we are adventurers! this blog is going to die soon; it is already pretty comatose, no brain function, kept on life support to satisfy the family's selfish need to hang on. sometimes theres no turning back is all.
the last post was from the summer. yea. long ole time ago. last i time i wrote, he was saying good bye, 'ill see you when the colors of the leaves turn orange, your favorite color.' then he nudged my chin between his finger and thumb, kissed me on my forehead, turned and slid out the door.
none of that happened. he did say bye for the summer tho.
i wasnt supposed to see him over this seasonal break, i did tho.
i am a mess in so many ways. i constantly get myself into terrible situations, some with consequences that necessitate a visit to a medical professional.
i had to make a trip to visit a doctor who handles lady business. it is a sneaky venture to say the least. nonchalantly wander in, and then attempt a speedy exit unnoticed by bystanders.
i went in, stripped, got felt up, was made extremely uncomfortable and ashamed, got some Rx and put my clothes back on.
as i was exiting the facilities, just about out the door, i see my favorite. he was geared up and talking to some contemporaries. working rotations at my gynecologist office.
he was gorgeous and had i not been drowning in embarrassment i would have appreciated it more and would be able poetically detail his appearance ad nauseum. i do believe he was wearing a long sleeve, striped, button up shirt, that i want to say was a light purple, lavender, something.
i saw him, with a smooth effortless casualality he says hello. (yes i made up the word, causalality; it is casual but a noun...i think. it doesnt matter, i think you are picking up on my intention. ALSO, yes it is meant to look like causality, because love has a body count.) he also said my name and waved at me in that kind of brush off, salute, chop motion, which is not as dismissing as im making it sound now.
after awkwardly acknowledging each others presence i realize that i am in the most embarrassing health facility imaginable. (embarrassing because of the touching, not because of the ladyness of it all. (wow im making up words all over the place)) it hits all of a sudden, i know what hes doing here, he knows why i am here, and my eyes hit the floor because i cannot handle normal adult situations in my life.
all i could think was, he could totally find out what brought me here, the prescription pad resolution and the overall quality of the lady bits.
it was nice to see him tho.
the last post was from the summer. yea. long ole time ago. last i time i wrote, he was saying good bye, 'ill see you when the colors of the leaves turn orange, your favorite color.' then he nudged my chin between his finger and thumb, kissed me on my forehead, turned and slid out the door.
none of that happened. he did say bye for the summer tho.
i wasnt supposed to see him over this seasonal break, i did tho.
i am a mess in so many ways. i constantly get myself into terrible situations, some with consequences that necessitate a visit to a medical professional.
i had to make a trip to visit a doctor who handles lady business. it is a sneaky venture to say the least. nonchalantly wander in, and then attempt a speedy exit unnoticed by bystanders.
i went in, stripped, got felt up, was made extremely uncomfortable and ashamed, got some Rx and put my clothes back on.
as i was exiting the facilities, just about out the door, i see my favorite. he was geared up and talking to some contemporaries. working rotations at my gynecologist office.
he was gorgeous and had i not been drowning in embarrassment i would have appreciated it more and would be able poetically detail his appearance ad nauseum. i do believe he was wearing a long sleeve, striped, button up shirt, that i want to say was a light purple, lavender, something.
i saw him, with a smooth effortless casualality he says hello. (yes i made up the word, causalality; it is casual but a noun...i think. it doesnt matter, i think you are picking up on my intention. ALSO, yes it is meant to look like causality, because love has a body count.) he also said my name and waved at me in that kind of brush off, salute, chop motion, which is not as dismissing as im making it sound now.
after awkwardly acknowledging each others presence i realize that i am in the most embarrassing health facility imaginable. (embarrassing because of the touching, not because of the ladyness of it all. (wow im making up words all over the place)) it hits all of a sudden, i know what hes doing here, he knows why i am here, and my eyes hit the floor because i cannot handle normal adult situations in my life.
all i could think was, he could totally find out what brought me here, the prescription pad resolution and the overall quality of the lady bits.
it was nice to see him tho.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
today
"Today is the greatest
Day I ’ve ever kown
Can’t live for tomorrow
Tomorrow’s much too long
I burn my eyes out
Before I get out"
::today::smashing pumpkins::
mentally i cannot move past 1995. BUT i can still party like its 1999, not remembering how devastatingly disappointing it was to "party" as a 16 yr old. i was at a japantown celebration with my family. my boyfriend at the time was there too. i think i blew him in the hotel room when no one was looking. jesus didnt want us to have sex but didnt mind me on my knees. i guess cum shots to the face are just what jesus would do. over sharing but im just in that kind of mood.
im a lil under the weather and having inner ear problems. shall we talk about painfully obsessive infatuation? lets.
so, in previous encounter, which i forgot to mention in the last post, my favorite had stopped in, and as he was leaving he said, "i wont be seeing you for a while, like all summer. will you miss me?" i looked at him as if to say "more then you will ever know, return to me, you are my only joy." i really said, "sure will." because i am an ass.
well after all that i expected a summer free from embarrassment and the taste of my foot in my throat.
until today, he strolls right in, back pack free, still in the blue button up and says something to me but i am to wound up in the unexpected crossing of our paths. he was radiant today.
strolls, he really waltzes, floats gracefully across the floor, a floor unfit for the steps of a god. now his entrance was extra special today, an arrow to the heart, he sang my name!
AND HE WAS NOT SINGING MELISSA!
i of course was unshowered, as i usually am when he comes in; this time three days unkempt. i threw him off tho, i saw surprise in his eyes, a subtle pause as he looked a smidgen longer as if to make sure it was not someone else.
i got contacts. there is nothing between us any longer, i can lock eyes with him. look into the window of his soul with my real eyes. no glass separating what could be our love in real time, in wide screen HD. ive been working with out my glasses cause they piss me off, but this time was different, he could tell i was seeing, the focus was there.
what happens next does not matter. for we saw each other for the first time, he sang and i answered with a piercing gaze into to the very depths of his being.
i honestly dont remember what happened next. i know i spoke with an only partly shame soaked stutter and tripped only slightly over my more coherent speech.
i found footing i never noticed before; probably cause i was blind, both literally and figuratively, the latter being the blinding light of love.
he came close, no contrived leaning on desks, no backpack crutch, just us, people not servicer and servee. just a dude and a chick.
or not. again i do not actually remember. i think i am anticipating the swift kick to the nuts reality has in store for me. this is his last year. last year of visits. and his finally year with a marital status of single. a facebook status of engaged, the edge; standing on the precipice of freedom and the fall into a maiming death of marriage. if something fated is to happen. it is to happen this 2010-2011. i tip my hand with that, but we are in the home stretch.
its the contacts.
Day I ’ve ever kown
Can’t live for tomorrow
Tomorrow’s much too long
I burn my eyes out
Before I get out"
::today::smashing pumpkins::
mentally i cannot move past 1995. BUT i can still party like its 1999, not remembering how devastatingly disappointing it was to "party" as a 16 yr old. i was at a japantown celebration with my family. my boyfriend at the time was there too. i think i blew him in the hotel room when no one was looking. jesus didnt want us to have sex but didnt mind me on my knees. i guess cum shots to the face are just what jesus would do. over sharing but im just in that kind of mood.
im a lil under the weather and having inner ear problems. shall we talk about painfully obsessive infatuation? lets.
so, in previous encounter, which i forgot to mention in the last post, my favorite had stopped in, and as he was leaving he said, "i wont be seeing you for a while, like all summer. will you miss me?" i looked at him as if to say "more then you will ever know, return to me, you are my only joy." i really said, "sure will." because i am an ass.
well after all that i expected a summer free from embarrassment and the taste of my foot in my throat.
until today, he strolls right in, back pack free, still in the blue button up and says something to me but i am to wound up in the unexpected crossing of our paths. he was radiant today.
strolls, he really waltzes, floats gracefully across the floor, a floor unfit for the steps of a god. now his entrance was extra special today, an arrow to the heart, he sang my name!
AND HE WAS NOT SINGING MELISSA!
i of course was unshowered, as i usually am when he comes in; this time three days unkempt. i threw him off tho, i saw surprise in his eyes, a subtle pause as he looked a smidgen longer as if to make sure it was not someone else.
i got contacts. there is nothing between us any longer, i can lock eyes with him. look into the window of his soul with my real eyes. no glass separating what could be our love in real time, in wide screen HD. ive been working with out my glasses cause they piss me off, but this time was different, he could tell i was seeing, the focus was there.
what happens next does not matter. for we saw each other for the first time, he sang and i answered with a piercing gaze into to the very depths of his being.
i honestly dont remember what happened next. i know i spoke with an only partly shame soaked stutter and tripped only slightly over my more coherent speech.
i found footing i never noticed before; probably cause i was blind, both literally and figuratively, the latter being the blinding light of love.
he came close, no contrived leaning on desks, no backpack crutch, just us, people not servicer and servee. just a dude and a chick.
or not. again i do not actually remember. i think i am anticipating the swift kick to the nuts reality has in store for me. this is his last year. last year of visits. and his finally year with a marital status of single. a facebook status of engaged, the edge; standing on the precipice of freedom and the fall into a maiming death of marriage. if something fated is to happen. it is to happen this 2010-2011. i tip my hand with that, but we are in the home stretch.
its the contacts.
playing from memory
there have been a few run-ins with my precious favorite. i am unable to log them in real time because my job is very demanding. only light late afternoon facebooking is all i can get away with. shame shame, i know your name.
he has called in a few times since we last wrote, blog. it is nice to hear his voice, sweet little whispers in my ear help me forget how he belongs to someone else and will be leaving me june 2011. like romeo and juliet knowing the end is inevitable makes the brief love filled exchanges so much more powerful.
he called multiple times in a day. he needs help. he came in a time or two. i think he may have caught the doggies one visit. kind to animals, his perfection is god like.
i saw him from the bus once. i was riding my way out into the mischief of the night. my public transportation chariot takes me pretty much everywhere i need to go, but it takes me by work going and returning. i saw him, i watched attentivly to see if he glanced up and i may have done a little 'hey, do you see me? i know you' wave; dear god the more i think about it im sure i did it and wish that i didnt.
there is a vague and paranoid memory of him wearing the look of peripheral avoidance, the 'i see you, but i am so enthralled by whatever i am doing i couldnt possibly recognize you'. i know this look all to well, i hate talking to people with whom i only share small talk.
i wanted him to see me, he would then have to acknowledge the fact that i am real person. the office is no where near what i do or who i am as a person. I HAVE FEELINGS AND LOVES OUT SIDE OF....whatever field i said i worked in to keep the anonymity of my employment.
that tho, a creepy 'i recognize you and have been watching and waiting for you to notice me' look and wave would have ruined everything and anything that we have or could have.
well thats all i remember from the recent past. theres a story about today so lets just move on to that...
he has called in a few times since we last wrote, blog. it is nice to hear his voice, sweet little whispers in my ear help me forget how he belongs to someone else and will be leaving me june 2011. like romeo and juliet knowing the end is inevitable makes the brief love filled exchanges so much more powerful.
he called multiple times in a day. he needs help. he came in a time or two. i think he may have caught the doggies one visit. kind to animals, his perfection is god like.
i saw him from the bus once. i was riding my way out into the mischief of the night. my public transportation chariot takes me pretty much everywhere i need to go, but it takes me by work going and returning. i saw him, i watched attentivly to see if he glanced up and i may have done a little 'hey, do you see me? i know you' wave; dear god the more i think about it im sure i did it and wish that i didnt.
there is a vague and paranoid memory of him wearing the look of peripheral avoidance, the 'i see you, but i am so enthralled by whatever i am doing i couldnt possibly recognize you'. i know this look all to well, i hate talking to people with whom i only share small talk.
i wanted him to see me, he would then have to acknowledge the fact that i am real person. the office is no where near what i do or who i am as a person. I HAVE FEELINGS AND LOVES OUT SIDE OF....whatever field i said i worked in to keep the anonymity of my employment.
that tho, a creepy 'i recognize you and have been watching and waiting for you to notice me' look and wave would have ruined everything and anything that we have or could have.
well thats all i remember from the recent past. theres a story about today so lets just move on to that...
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I AM NOT MELISSA!
so my super fav came in again today. looking particularly hansom. he was wearing the light blue button up shirt i so often see him wearing. i never noticed but he has stunning blue eyes, i love him so much.
man he needs so much help from the office in which i work. not complaining i love seeing him, it just speaks to his character hilariously.
***********previously left drafted, henceforth from memory***********
so, my favorite he is so hansom. i have great taste in everything. i see him and i understand what all those love songs are really about. the world and everything in it make sense only because he exists.
AH, so remembering that day...its really been up and down with him. i have two more stories to tell after finish this one.
PH ME OH MY...it has been such a roller-coaster with him; he is the motley unwashed carnie running the rickettey amusement park of my love weathered heart. thrown up and torn down for too many cities on too long of a tour. this metaphor is awesome, but we must move on.
as i remember, and judging from the all caps exclamation pointed title, it was a low point in the relationship between my favorite and i.
he came in looking for help but none from me (per se, it is my job to help who ever comes in). i, of course, help him with everything he needs and wants ... professionally, unfortunately.
after business is taken care of, he comes by to chat - we are, after all friends bound by a business setting.
he casually comes up to my desk, leans one elbow support style on my desk, still holding his jacket in the fold of his arm, back pack worn high; looking adorably child like he composes himself, preparing to pretend to play adult and says playfully, "melissa..." at which point i glance up at my name plate hanging eye level on the wall and shake my head no.
i dont remember what happened. i am pretty sure, actually certain that what i just described up there was from some run in further back in our relationship.
what you need to take away from this is he called me melissa TWICE. or THRICE. its been too long to pick up this entry.
actually i think this entry is tied to a very labor intensive assistance instance. where he left stabbing my heart saying "thanks melissa."
fuck it. one more thing not to live for.
ha. thats funny to me.
the run ins with him at this time were a bit disappointing, because of reality, ie engagement.
lets move on to the other, more recent tales of love and longing i have kept constipatedly in my mind.
man he needs so much help from the office in which i work. not complaining i love seeing him, it just speaks to his character hilariously.
***********previously left drafted, henceforth from memory***********
so, my favorite he is so hansom. i have great taste in everything. i see him and i understand what all those love songs are really about. the world and everything in it make sense only because he exists.
AH, so remembering that day...its really been up and down with him. i have two more stories to tell after finish this one.
PH ME OH MY...it has been such a roller-coaster with him; he is the motley unwashed carnie running the rickettey amusement park of my love weathered heart. thrown up and torn down for too many cities on too long of a tour. this metaphor is awesome, but we must move on.
as i remember, and judging from the all caps exclamation pointed title, it was a low point in the relationship between my favorite and i.
he came in looking for help but none from me (per se, it is my job to help who ever comes in). i, of course, help him with everything he needs and wants ... professionally, unfortunately.
after business is taken care of, he comes by to chat - we are, after all friends bound by a business setting.
he casually comes up to my desk, leans one elbow support style on my desk, still holding his jacket in the fold of his arm, back pack worn high; looking adorably child like he composes himself, preparing to pretend to play adult and says playfully, "melissa..." at which point i glance up at my name plate hanging eye level on the wall and shake my head no.
i dont remember what happened. i am pretty sure, actually certain that what i just described up there was from some run in further back in our relationship.
what you need to take away from this is he called me melissa TWICE. or THRICE. its been too long to pick up this entry.
actually i think this entry is tied to a very labor intensive assistance instance. where he left stabbing my heart saying "thanks melissa."
fuck it. one more thing not to live for.
ha. thats funny to me.
the run ins with him at this time were a bit disappointing, because of reality, ie engagement.
lets move on to the other, more recent tales of love and longing i have kept constipatedly in my mind.
Monday, May 17, 2010
hat trick
He called three times. Each call sexier then the one before.
He's so wonderful and fun to talk to; I want to nuzzle my face against that space between the ear and the shoulder.
I bet he smells good.
Ok I creeped myself there.
Mmm, that sounds nice tho.
He's so wonderful and fun to talk to; I want to nuzzle my face against that space between the ear and the shoulder.
I bet he smells good.
Ok I creeped myself there.
Mmm, that sounds nice tho.
coming in
because of thursday's heart break and some other things id rather not address, this sunday eve i decided to go on a little excursion into party land.
its funny at the mere mention of it my hand goes to my phone and i start searching my memory for who has a car and who is the most likely to have it readily available. its a love of sorts.
the best loves ive known have been as physically gratifying as the were emotional devastating. love like youve never been hurt, right? i try to and this is why i am doomed to repeat my past.
this is playing on the edge of not fun. i have other blogs to bitch into.
SO. too much fun last night had me waking up seeped in disappointment in myself and the painful regret of a less than, well really, a series of less then reasonable decisions.
face down in my pillow i weigh the benefits and detriments of calling in sick. id spend the whole day feeling guilty. id catch up on sleep. id recuperate physically and mentally. id stay in bed all day. i could, if i got out of bed, do my laundry. i could work out. i am trying not to call out sick this month at least. id fall behind at work. it would look bad and add a little notch to the "fire by fault of incompetent employee so the jackass cannot claim unemployment" tally.
that was the clincher.
with out my job i cannot have my apt. which i will need to use as a place, storage, for my hostages of love. unwilling house guests. prisoners. jk. id never do that unless absolutely pushed to.
so i go to work. sitting on the bus i already feel the this is a good hang over set in.
i drudge along with my daily duties. this and that and facebook. blogging. ;)
sidebust: ill get to work in a second.
i think ive mentioned before that i answer phones.
i pick up the phone, greet with my usual greeting, and on the other side i hear, "hi *******, how are you doing?"
i reply, "well how are you?" i am surprised as you should understand; i am a generic fielder of phone calls. no one knows my name...except for MY FAVORITE!
i did not recognize his voice at first. he sounded different, his voice was smoother, as if just waking from a sexy slumber. i imagine him sitting in bed, shirtless of course, he is relaxing after all, in a room with morning sunlight pouring in. tussled hair, not yet showered, he is reading a news or he has npr softly playing in the background. his fiance is NOT THERE because they are NOT FUCKING MARRIED yet. he is enjoying his lasts bits of freedom while he has it.
his first question, "were there dogs friday?"
confused i ask my own question, "im sorry?"
repeating himself, maybe annoyed, "where the dogs in friday?"
response with out thinking, "no," thinking it out a bit more, "i actually wasnt here, i wouldnt know."
doubting my integrity as a person, "so you really have no idea, they could have been there"
defensively in my head, 'you should have come in to check your-fucking-self; you love them so god damn much.'
actually saying, "true."
back to the task at hand, "awe, tisk tisk." i mouth the words over the receiver, 'fuck me,' which is not a demand, although for him it could be an invitation, but it is just a declaration of frustration at myself and incompetency.
he continues, "i was hoping to speak to *****, is she around?"
"let me see if she is free," i say scrambling to get him anything he needs and do anything he wants.
i walk over to *****'s office remembering that she is not too fond of him. i peek in and she is gone. i kinda had a feeling she was, she has a lot of appointments these days.
i return and jump back into service, "im sorry she is not in she on another appointment with another student out of the office."
yes, i said that awkward statement or worse. i blacked out. no i didnt. i just dont remember accurately because i was mortified.
he did not skip a beat, probably expecting some sort of foot mouth action, "oh, ok. maybe you can help me...."
i dont remember what he asked or how i replied. im pretty sure it was awkward in structure and substance. i do remember stuttering. BUT i also remember helping him.
whatever happened the conversation did not end in tears and really thats all i can ask for.
my job should be glad i came in, despite the fact that all ive done so far is blog.
i am glad i came in too. the opportunity to interact with my favorite student is the greatest part of my job. however embarrassing.
its funny at the mere mention of it my hand goes to my phone and i start searching my memory for who has a car and who is the most likely to have it readily available. its a love of sorts.
the best loves ive known have been as physically gratifying as the were emotional devastating. love like youve never been hurt, right? i try to and this is why i am doomed to repeat my past.
this is playing on the edge of not fun. i have other blogs to bitch into.
SO. too much fun last night had me waking up seeped in disappointment in myself and the painful regret of a less than, well really, a series of less then reasonable decisions.
face down in my pillow i weigh the benefits and detriments of calling in sick. id spend the whole day feeling guilty. id catch up on sleep. id recuperate physically and mentally. id stay in bed all day. i could, if i got out of bed, do my laundry. i could work out. i am trying not to call out sick this month at least. id fall behind at work. it would look bad and add a little notch to the "fire by fault of incompetent employee so the jackass cannot claim unemployment" tally.
that was the clincher.
with out my job i cannot have my apt. which i will need to use as a place, storage, for my hostages of love. unwilling house guests. prisoners. jk. id never do that unless absolutely pushed to.
so i go to work. sitting on the bus i already feel the this is a good hang over set in.
i drudge along with my daily duties. this and that and facebook. blogging. ;)
sidebust: ill get to work in a second.
i think ive mentioned before that i answer phones.
i pick up the phone, greet with my usual greeting, and on the other side i hear, "hi *******, how are you doing?"
i reply, "well how are you?" i am surprised as you should understand; i am a generic fielder of phone calls. no one knows my name...except for MY FAVORITE!
i did not recognize his voice at first. he sounded different, his voice was smoother, as if just waking from a sexy slumber. i imagine him sitting in bed, shirtless of course, he is relaxing after all, in a room with morning sunlight pouring in. tussled hair, not yet showered, he is reading a news or he has npr softly playing in the background. his fiance is NOT THERE because they are NOT FUCKING MARRIED yet. he is enjoying his lasts bits of freedom while he has it.
his first question, "were there dogs friday?"
confused i ask my own question, "im sorry?"
repeating himself, maybe annoyed, "where the dogs in friday?"
response with out thinking, "no," thinking it out a bit more, "i actually wasnt here, i wouldnt know."
doubting my integrity as a person, "so you really have no idea, they could have been there"
defensively in my head, 'you should have come in to check your-fucking-self; you love them so god damn much.'
actually saying, "true."
back to the task at hand, "awe, tisk tisk." i mouth the words over the receiver, 'fuck me,' which is not a demand, although for him it could be an invitation, but it is just a declaration of frustration at myself and incompetency.
he continues, "i was hoping to speak to *****, is she around?"
"let me see if she is free," i say scrambling to get him anything he needs and do anything he wants.
i walk over to *****'s office remembering that she is not too fond of him. i peek in and she is gone. i kinda had a feeling she was, she has a lot of appointments these days.
i return and jump back into service, "im sorry she is not in she on another appointment with another student out of the office."
yes, i said that awkward statement or worse. i blacked out. no i didnt. i just dont remember accurately because i was mortified.
he did not skip a beat, probably expecting some sort of foot mouth action, "oh, ok. maybe you can help me...."
i dont remember what he asked or how i replied. im pretty sure it was awkward in structure and substance. i do remember stuttering. BUT i also remember helping him.
whatever happened the conversation did not end in tears and really thats all i can ask for.
my job should be glad i came in, despite the fact that all ive done so far is blog.
i am glad i came in too. the opportunity to interact with my favorite student is the greatest part of my job. however embarrassing.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
melissa
so i was just thinking to myself about how i could sure use a deep dicking, when all of a sudden my favorite walks through the door.
he had some trouble getting in; the door was closing too quickly for him because as he approached the front desk his bag was knocked off his shoulder and i heard him say, "dammit i spilled coffee all over...::mumbles::" i am not sure what he said, too awestruck by his beauty.
i trying my hardest to play it cool, tried to joke around and said (like a jackass) "what are you doing with your life?" which i would like to say, in my defense, is a question i throw out in response to awkward moments or acts by friends and family but mostly myself.
it was not funny.
i am wallowing in shame, as i am reviewing the recent interaction.
back to the story.
he says to me, "i want a dog"
i say, "i dont think that is covered by your....whatever i said we provide as a service to keep my job secret."
he said, "oh really, i heard the dog and dog food was covered."
after an unusual break in the pace of the conversation, i say, "some one lied to you my friend."
then i black out....no i dont. i just dont remember.
i come to, and he asks, "can you get me that wonderfully helpful lady..."
"*****?"
"yes, ***** can i see her?"
"sure let me see if she is available"
i walk away from the desk and down the hall, hoping he is looking a my ass, im wearing nice ass pants. i feel insanely ridiculous and arrogant saying all that, and honestly for even thinking it. i dont have a nice ass, these pants are very flattering is all.
butt i digress.
i ask ***** if she could see my favorite. she makes a 'omg not this guy' face. she tries to push him on to another...fuck it, advisor. (i had some elaborate cover up scheme and structure to talk about my work place but the interactions between my favorite are too infrequent for me to remember what i had set up; and although i do love reading my own blogs over and over, i have not done it with this one yet.)
as it turns out he is not everyone's favorite. i stayed in the office telling ***** everything i knew off the top of my head, but sounding like i looked up before i came to talk to her. i was in there for a hot minute and i could hear his adorable kermit the frog voice chatting with the other girl at the front desk. i got sad and jealous all at once. she is very pretty and much cooler then me, she is not socially retarded and can have conversations that are not filled with embarrassment and feet-mouth.
[i started this entry whatever day it happened. i couldnt finish it then so i am finishing it now. its monday and i dont really remember what exactly wanted to write about...oh ok yea i remember]
so i came out with ***** (which sounds funny to me cause shes gay), she said she could see him. he said thanks and walked back to her office. i checked out his ass, it was adorable.
after sometime he came back to see me where he put his elbow on the desk propping himself up in that "it is understood that this is a casual stance" kinda stance.
this was totally fun until...he called me melissa.
he said, "melissa i have to tell you something."
i stared at him blankly, he knows my fucking name. i gave him sometime to back peddle, which he did not. so i say, "close, its *******." [jackass which is said in my mind or under my breath, i hope its in my mind only].
i was and am hurt. if you go back into previous entries you will see. he not only knows my name but has also given me a nickname. and super bonus over time, my name plate is on the wall, at eye level, right next to the front desk.
he says, "awe, i knew that. im sorry," he continues, "*******, i have to tell you something."
pause for dramatic effect, this pause was not actually in the exchange.
"i am getting engaged."
"congratulations" i respond with sarcasm and what i believe is condescending tone. at this moment i started to check in with my personal beliefs and thoughts on the subject of marriage. my first and only thought was; youre retarded. i love you, but you are ruining your life.
it must have recently happened because the next things out of his mouth were, "thank you. im engaged, its great. its a great day. you have a great day."
and then took off. skipping the fuck out the door.
stabbed in the face twice over. second mention of betrayal engagement and he forgot my name. i think her name is melissa.
i imagine this is what it feels like when you are boning and at the height of passion your partner stabs you in the throat. twice.
he had some trouble getting in; the door was closing too quickly for him because as he approached the front desk his bag was knocked off his shoulder and i heard him say, "dammit i spilled coffee all over...::mumbles::" i am not sure what he said, too awestruck by his beauty.
i trying my hardest to play it cool, tried to joke around and said (like a jackass) "what are you doing with your life?" which i would like to say, in my defense, is a question i throw out in response to awkward moments or acts by friends and family but mostly myself.
it was not funny.
i am wallowing in shame, as i am reviewing the recent interaction.
back to the story.
he says to me, "i want a dog"
i say, "i dont think that is covered by your....whatever i said we provide as a service to keep my job secret."
he said, "oh really, i heard the dog and dog food was covered."
after an unusual break in the pace of the conversation, i say, "some one lied to you my friend."
then i black out....no i dont. i just dont remember.
i come to, and he asks, "can you get me that wonderfully helpful lady..."
"*****?"
"yes, ***** can i see her?"
"sure let me see if she is available"
i walk away from the desk and down the hall, hoping he is looking a my ass, im wearing nice ass pants. i feel insanely ridiculous and arrogant saying all that, and honestly for even thinking it. i dont have a nice ass, these pants are very flattering is all.
butt i digress.
i ask ***** if she could see my favorite. she makes a 'omg not this guy' face. she tries to push him on to another...fuck it, advisor. (i had some elaborate cover up scheme and structure to talk about my work place but the interactions between my favorite are too infrequent for me to remember what i had set up; and although i do love reading my own blogs over and over, i have not done it with this one yet.)
as it turns out he is not everyone's favorite. i stayed in the office telling ***** everything i knew off the top of my head, but sounding like i looked up before i came to talk to her. i was in there for a hot minute and i could hear his adorable kermit the frog voice chatting with the other girl at the front desk. i got sad and jealous all at once. she is very pretty and much cooler then me, she is not socially retarded and can have conversations that are not filled with embarrassment and feet-mouth.
[i started this entry whatever day it happened. i couldnt finish it then so i am finishing it now. its monday and i dont really remember what exactly wanted to write about...oh ok yea i remember]
so i came out with ***** (which sounds funny to me cause shes gay), she said she could see him. he said thanks and walked back to her office. i checked out his ass, it was adorable.
after sometime he came back to see me where he put his elbow on the desk propping himself up in that "it is understood that this is a casual stance" kinda stance.
this was totally fun until...he called me melissa.
he said, "melissa i have to tell you something."
i stared at him blankly, he knows my fucking name. i gave him sometime to back peddle, which he did not. so i say, "close, its *******." [jackass which is said in my mind or under my breath, i hope its in my mind only].
i was and am hurt. if you go back into previous entries you will see. he not only knows my name but has also given me a nickname. and super bonus over time, my name plate is on the wall, at eye level, right next to the front desk.
he says, "awe, i knew that. im sorry," he continues, "*******, i have to tell you something."
pause for dramatic effect, this pause was not actually in the exchange.
"i am getting engaged."
"congratulations" i respond with sarcasm and what i believe is condescending tone. at this moment i started to check in with my personal beliefs and thoughts on the subject of marriage. my first and only thought was; youre retarded. i love you, but you are ruining your life.
it must have recently happened because the next things out of his mouth were, "thank you. im engaged, its great. its a great day. you have a great day."
and then took off. skipping the fuck out the door.
stabbed in the face twice over. second mention of betrayal engagement and he forgot my name. i think her name is melissa.
i imagine this is what it feels like when you are boning and at the height of passion your partner stabs you in the throat. twice.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
chocolate covered love
hey guys...
guess who i ran into?
my favorite!
i was walking around the hood...work neighbor hood at lunch. i bought cigarettes and grabbed a coffee. i was walking to walgreens to pick up some supplies so i lit a cigarette for the journey.
as i had just brought the cigarette to my mouth, i noticed down the street my favorite; just about a block and a half away.
remember or please note, i am near sighted and a block away is blurry. so i was able to recognize my fuzzy lil favorite from the way he carried his book bag, his button up blue shirt, and his hilariously child like gait.
i knew i could not be caught sucking a cigarette and blowing smoke. as soon as i saw him i took in the last inhale and kept my arms to my sides like a normal strolling person.
the distance between us was closing quickly. flicking or throwing the thing would be at the very least, suspicious.
looking down i knew i had to think fast.
ditch it.
i dropped the cigarette right there. luckily there was a lady coming out of a store to added to the evasiveness of my actions.
we came to a greeting distance where he stuck out his hand and said, "*******, how are you? are the dogs in the office?"
(occasionally the boss lady will bring her black labs into the office)
i said, "only fridays."
he said, "but it is friday."
its thursday. so i responded to that with a confused look, too love struck to correct him.
he picked up on this and said, "oh, its thurdsay." jokingly disappointed he shook his head and popped up with, "get your shit together, ***."
(the first series of asterisk are my first name, the latter my last.)
i lolled.
i was thrilled at the thought that he was comfortable around me enough to a) crack jokes and b) make those jokes full of profanities.
hehehehe
so the subject/title of the blog may not have made sense given the tale. i think you can see the cover part as the covering of my bad habits.
here is the rest of the title inspiration: we were both carrying a cup-o-joe, coffee for the layman. which i can only assume we consume in mass amounts because when i saw him he looked like a little kid who just ate a chocolate bar.
<3
guess who i ran into?
my favorite!
i was walking around the hood...work neighbor hood at lunch. i bought cigarettes and grabbed a coffee. i was walking to walgreens to pick up some supplies so i lit a cigarette for the journey.
as i had just brought the cigarette to my mouth, i noticed down the street my favorite; just about a block and a half away.
remember or please note, i am near sighted and a block away is blurry. so i was able to recognize my fuzzy lil favorite from the way he carried his book bag, his button up blue shirt, and his hilariously child like gait.
i knew i could not be caught sucking a cigarette and blowing smoke. as soon as i saw him i took in the last inhale and kept my arms to my sides like a normal strolling person.
the distance between us was closing quickly. flicking or throwing the thing would be at the very least, suspicious.
looking down i knew i had to think fast.
ditch it.
i dropped the cigarette right there. luckily there was a lady coming out of a store to added to the evasiveness of my actions.
we came to a greeting distance where he stuck out his hand and said, "*******, how are you? are the dogs in the office?"
(occasionally the boss lady will bring her black labs into the office)
i said, "only fridays."
he said, "but it is friday."
its thursday. so i responded to that with a confused look, too love struck to correct him.
he picked up on this and said, "oh, its thurdsay." jokingly disappointed he shook his head and popped up with, "get your shit together, ***."
(the first series of asterisk are my first name, the latter my last.)
i lolled.
i was thrilled at the thought that he was comfortable around me enough to a) crack jokes and b) make those jokes full of profanities.
hehehehe
so the subject/title of the blog may not have made sense given the tale. i think you can see the cover part as the covering of my bad habits.
here is the rest of the title inspiration: we were both carrying a cup-o-joe, coffee for the layman. which i can only assume we consume in mass amounts because when i saw him he looked like a little kid who just ate a chocolate bar.
<3
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
wicked embarrassment
SO LOVE BLOG...blog, you are worthless to me now. HE IS GETTING MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE. fucknut.
bphhh.
so, what do we do now? mere days after starting you, blog, we find out that he is engaged and all the fun has been beaten out of us, by the bat of reality with the nail of truth through it, as to ensure maximum damage.
life is rough.
good thing we are retreating deeper and deeper in to the welcoming interwebs.
GOD DAMMN YOU BLOG. Ugh. we had so much fucking potential. i havent even him since our last post...friggin asshole. :'(
but still i love him so...
too many ellipsis...ziz. anyhow thats the end of that.
...or is it.
hahaha. i have become drunk with delusion. we should have been a bartender. these cocktails of make believe are strong and delicious.
SO, ok, boys and things
i was recently thinking about my most insane moment of obsession and in thinking about it more wish i could smother myself with my own embarrassment.
I in a FIT of MADNESS and boredom, went looking on the interwebs for the love of my life. i am very tempted to use his full name. but i wont. needless to say i found him.
i found his facebook profile, it was started in japan or in some japanese facebook portal or whatever it is. his profile was very strongly privatized. he did have a profile picture; he had some cheesy posed professional style pictures of him and a lady. i thought to myself, i thought, well that looks like engagement photos one would paste on front of a card demanding that you save some date.
i happened to see a little thumbnail of a girl who looked like the lady in the picture - no why should i half truth you blog, i looked through all of his friends and found her. i clicked on the pic, it was not so private, and i found out that she was his fiance and that they were getting married.
stupid bitch had all her photos publicified so i went through them all. he graduated, they went on several trips with his family, she went to his brothers graduation, and they were getting fucking married.
so i left.
i returned months later after being reminded of it all by looking through my blog, reading my old posts because i am that self involved. i can beat myself up for days, lets stick to the story/over-sharing/confession of illegal recreations.
i returned to his profile to find the picture had changed. it was cheesy posed wedding photos. it was a beautiful beach wedding, i know because i went through all of them. i also skipped through some reception videos. i couldnt really bring myself to watch them, besides i had no sound.
it was not as bad as i thought; meaning of course i didnt shit my pants weeping at work. i met him in college. i did really love him. i do still think of him and us, what were were; three years of never really being together outside of the hours of 12am and 4am.
im getting over it cause i have to...and its about time. ha. it was easily five years, no. it was seven. huh, its funny what other wickedly devastating event allows me to remember the exact year. but i digress.
so thats the end of that. i dont know why i insist on providing you, blog, with evidence of how bat shit insane i can be as if i needed to convince you. it is sooo far fetched.
well, im just saying, ive done it before, im never going to learn. i am a child. i will continue to act on ill conceived ideas only to fully think them through the following day.
perhaps this confessional blog will be one of those things.
because here is his profile.
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/tecjnology?hiq=alejandro%2Ccarreno
happy hunting folks.
bphhh.
so, what do we do now? mere days after starting you, blog, we find out that he is engaged and all the fun has been beaten out of us, by the bat of reality with the nail of truth through it, as to ensure maximum damage.
life is rough.
good thing we are retreating deeper and deeper in to the welcoming interwebs.
GOD DAMMN YOU BLOG. Ugh. we had so much fucking potential. i havent even him since our last post...friggin asshole. :'(
but still i love him so...
too many ellipsis...ziz. anyhow thats the end of that.
...or is it.
hahaha. i have become drunk with delusion. we should have been a bartender. these cocktails of make believe are strong and delicious.
SO, ok, boys and things
i was recently thinking about my most insane moment of obsession and in thinking about it more wish i could smother myself with my own embarrassment.
I in a FIT of MADNESS and boredom, went looking on the interwebs for the love of my life. i am very tempted to use his full name. but i wont. needless to say i found him.
i found his facebook profile, it was started in japan or in some japanese facebook portal or whatever it is. his profile was very strongly privatized. he did have a profile picture; he had some cheesy posed professional style pictures of him and a lady. i thought to myself, i thought, well that looks like engagement photos one would paste on front of a card demanding that you save some date.
i happened to see a little thumbnail of a girl who looked like the lady in the picture - no why should i half truth you blog, i looked through all of his friends and found her. i clicked on the pic, it was not so private, and i found out that she was his fiance and that they were getting married.
stupid bitch had all her photos publicified so i went through them all. he graduated, they went on several trips with his family, she went to his brothers graduation, and they were getting fucking married.
so i left.
i returned months later after being reminded of it all by looking through my blog, reading my old posts because i am that self involved. i can beat myself up for days, lets stick to the story/over-sharing/confession of illegal recreations.
i returned to his profile to find the picture had changed. it was cheesy posed wedding photos. it was a beautiful beach wedding, i know because i went through all of them. i also skipped through some reception videos. i couldnt really bring myself to watch them, besides i had no sound.
it was not as bad as i thought; meaning of course i didnt shit my pants weeping at work. i met him in college. i did really love him. i do still think of him and us, what were were; three years of never really being together outside of the hours of 12am and 4am.
im getting over it cause i have to...and its about time. ha. it was easily five years, no. it was seven. huh, its funny what other wickedly devastating event allows me to remember the exact year. but i digress.
so thats the end of that. i dont know why i insist on providing you, blog, with evidence of how bat shit insane i can be as if i needed to convince you. it is sooo far fetched.
well, im just saying, ive done it before, im never going to learn. i am a child. i will continue to act on ill conceived ideas only to fully think them through the following day.
perhaps this confessional blog will be one of those things.
because here is his profile.
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/tecjnology?hiq=alejandro%2Ccarreno
happy hunting folks.
Friday, April 16, 2010
called out
today my favorite called the office looking to schedule an appointment. i tried to schedule an appointment but things didnt work out and he is going to come in during drop in hours which will really work out better for his schedule anyway...but thats not whats important.
when i answered the phone and, well, got called out....
well, ok, so just check out the transcription.
::tele ring a ding dingie::
me: ******* ********* *** Office.
favorite: hello is this christine?
me: um, this is *******, how can i help you?
favorite: oh, hai, this is your favorite [client] to help
me: oh hai....::crumples up inside, trying to stop from sarcastically congratulate him on his engagement::
END TRANSMISSION.
i later saw him in starbucks. he looked over and i was staring at him. i did the whats up nod. he looked at me not really acknowledging knowing or seeing me, maybe smiled a bit. when threw up a half assed wave he turned and continued on with his colleagues.
:(
boo.
i am suspicious...do you know im a creepster, favorite? are you fucking with me young man? i do not appreciate it. stalkers fancy themselves as super stealth love ninjas, if you have me figured out, you are playing the game wrong! at this point you should restrain order me, or something.
this is just a sign that i am bad at what i do...you really ought to tell me so that i can up my skills. so inconsiderate.
...or maybe you like our little game, NICE. i dig it. im still upping my game.
STILL. favorite, your engagement is putting an awkward strain on our relationship. dont be scared i am not going to do anything, im just going to stare at you longingly. no touching. respecting the prime directive, im just here to observe and learn.
:T
when i answered the phone and, well, got called out....
well, ok, so just check out the transcription.
::tele ring a ding dingie::
me: ******* ********* *** Office.
favorite: hello is this christine?
me: um, this is *******, how can i help you?
favorite: oh, hai, this is your favorite [client] to help
me: oh hai....::crumples up inside, trying to stop from sarcastically congratulate him on his engagement::
END TRANSMISSION.
i later saw him in starbucks. he looked over and i was staring at him. i did the whats up nod. he looked at me not really acknowledging knowing or seeing me, maybe smiled a bit. when threw up a half assed wave he turned and continued on with his colleagues.
:(
boo.
i am suspicious...do you know im a creepster, favorite? are you fucking with me young man? i do not appreciate it. stalkers fancy themselves as super stealth love ninjas, if you have me figured out, you are playing the game wrong! at this point you should restrain order me, or something.
this is just a sign that i am bad at what i do...you really ought to tell me so that i can up my skills. so inconsiderate.
...or maybe you like our little game, NICE. i dig it. im still upping my game.
STILL. favorite, your engagement is putting an awkward strain on our relationship. dont be scared i am not going to do anything, im just going to stare at you longingly. no touching. respecting the prime directive, im just here to observe and learn.
:T
Monday, April 12, 2010
my life is over
my favorite came in to the office today.
he spoke of engagement rings...
but not for me.
it will take all my strength not to end my life, because i cant live if living is with out him.
even if it is not by my hand, i fear my life is in danger. i feel weak, i feel cold, i feel my life draining away. i am dying of a broken heart.
i am reminded of the story of the little mermaid. a young girl who traded everything to pursue her love. she eventually had to watch her love marry another woman. she did not stop the marriage even though it meant she her life.
she turned into sea foam.
fuck me that sucks right.
real talk: ok, so this whole crush love on my favorite is mostly for fun. it is a way for me to entertain myself and get through the work day.
it was tho based on a little crush i had on this guy. he is cute and funny and i enjoy talking to him and helping him when he comes into the office.
i knew he had a girl friend and was pretty much engaged because they both came in when he started school.
this however is a little kick in the nuts.
reality ruining all my fun. :(
on top of it all it might have been him when i was smoking....maybe this is all a game. hahaha.
he spoke of engagement rings...
but not for me.
it will take all my strength not to end my life, because i cant live if living is with out him.
even if it is not by my hand, i fear my life is in danger. i feel weak, i feel cold, i feel my life draining away. i am dying of a broken heart.
i am reminded of the story of the little mermaid. a young girl who traded everything to pursue her love. she eventually had to watch her love marry another woman. she did not stop the marriage even though it meant she her life.
she turned into sea foam.
fuck me that sucks right.
real talk: ok, so this whole crush love on my favorite is mostly for fun. it is a way for me to entertain myself and get through the work day.
it was tho based on a little crush i had on this guy. he is cute and funny and i enjoy talking to him and helping him when he comes into the office.
i knew he had a girl friend and was pretty much engaged because they both came in when he started school.
this however is a little kick in the nuts.
reality ruining all my fun. :(
on top of it all it might have been him when i was smoking....maybe this is all a game. hahaha.
close call
i walk around the neighborhood where i work during lunch. i am a chain smoker. my favorite lives in the neighborhood around my job. i dont know how he feels about smokers.
i was walking and smoking and threw out a cigarette cause i thought i saw my favorite crossing the street in front of me. when i got to the corner to look up the street to see if it was him, i was relieved to see it was not him.
this kid who crossed the street had gotten a half block away, but i knew it wasnt my favorite.
i can recognize him from the back.
well aware i am creepy, fuck off.
<3
i was walking and smoking and threw out a cigarette cause i thought i saw my favorite crossing the street in front of me. when i got to the corner to look up the street to see if it was him, i was relieved to see it was not him.
this kid who crossed the street had gotten a half block away, but i knew it wasnt my favorite.
i can recognize him from the back.
well aware i am creepy, fuck off.
<3
Friday, April 9, 2010
more then one flavor of crazy
besides my favorite, i have an in-my-head relationship with celebrities and famous people. so today i will talk to you about my super fan girl crush on Dov Davidoff.
now, i want you to know that i love him. i love him very dearly for a number of reasons, so lets get right into the creepy and bring up the most ridiculous of reasons.
1) i had a dream about him once where he asked me to go to the x-games with him. i know, who the fuck goes or knows or cares about the fagging x-games. it could have also been no so silent night or bfd. two more things i should have stopped thinking about after high school.
the best part about this dream is that i began with my cousins and i hanging out trying on clothes in an antique store. the subconscious is a weird thing. in our funky expedition we run into Dov and some other people, friends, i would assume, either ours or his. he hangs out, puts in his pair of pennies on the clothes kuzzie and cuzzie are trying on. im just hanging out watching everything playing with hanging beads on a lamp. hand to god, this is literally what i am dreaming up for myself.
Dov is digging on my kuzzie (remember borderline criminality no names no nothing) kuzzie had a boy friend at the time and wasnt digging Dov so she flirted and then then stopped when it was no longer fun.
Dov approached my other cuzzie and started to chat her up, and for some reason or another a mushroom was why she wasnt into it. not drugs not an actual mushroom no innuendo. just a mushroom.
after hitting on both of my cousins, he comes up and talks to me. for no reason at all i am laying on the floor leaning on a wall. he lies down completely on the floor and says, "your cousins dont want to go, do you want to come to the x-games with me?" i say yes.
so even in my dreams where i can live out my wildest fantasies, were i can be everything i am not, where left is right and right is left, i still manage to shit on my own face and make myself a last resort to some unrealistic celebrity crush. i was totally into it tho, i was hella happy both of my more attractive and cooler cousins said no.
2) when i first started to think about doing comedy i watched comedy central all the time. during my lunch i watched all the clips of stand up comics they had trying to figure out how the hell i was going to approach this, the most amazing thing ive ever heard of. i feel that is a pure raw form of art and the last bit of honest free speech left or at least that think of...any how, back to boys.
SO. i was watching tv with my sister i asked her to check what was on comedy central and it was Dov. his half hour special was on. i wanted to watch and she said i think i saw this guy, he has some joke about smelling cookies.
he was awesome, he didnt do the normal delivery and whatever (when it comes to comedy i know nothing i just love it blindly with all my heart (thats gay huh (love is gay sometimes))). i loved everything, i dont want to try to describe what he does or go on and on about my personal yet inaccurate interpretation of his stand up. i just love him, i love every part about him and he kinda solidified my decision to try comedy, cause it might be fun.
i then proceeded to look him up on line and learn everything i could about him. i had the dream about him after i saw him on tv, it wasnt some magical soul mate premonition connection, i just wanted to bring out the creepy first. gotta start strong.
3) yesterday he was preforming at the punchline. i missed him the first time. sidebust: when he posted the event on facebook i was the first to respond that i was attending and it was just me and him on the attending list thing. i hope he noticed. but then i didnt make it cause i cant remember why but i didnt make it.
ANYHOW. i went to see his show yesterday. i was a little late, i talked to my front door best friend and finished my cigarette. as i am settling into the im-here state from the run-there state, Dov comes out to smoke. my insides throw up on themselves and all i could do was stare at my front door best friend and gesture with my head and communicate with my eyes, OMG thats him.
with a bit of the run-to-the-punch anxiety still in me i turn to him and stick out my hand to meet him and say i love you. those words came out of my mouth. i think they were followed by youre awesome. this is what i get for not thinking never ever in my life and most importantly before i speak.
thats all i could get out. he said cool and asked my name, as you do i suppose when fan girls come up to you and gush verbal vomit on your shoes. he had a cigarette out and needed a light so, being the gentle men i am, i brought out my lighter and began to light his cigarette. he must have thought i was going to hand it to him cause he ended up cupping my hands as i lit him. yea, were in love and getting married soon. i can still feel his hands touching mine because i am severely unbalanced and 100% all natural bat shit insane.
i usually hate the accidental hand touch, but this made me soil my pants with pure joy. in his set, which is why i know we are truly in love and meant to be together, he looked toward the back of the room and said, hey girl in the back that i met outside, what is your name. i had a little love implosion and then said my name as loud enough to be heard but soft enough to seem stable. he asked if i had a boy friend, to which i answered 'nah'. im such a tool. he said something else but i was too busy pulling some raging beatles fan weeping on the inside.
i was in knots the rest of the show but i loved it. it was a great fucking show, he is a badass and super hilarious awesome. i was covered in my own excitement and too nervous that i was going to dive face first into his pants to talk to him. but as he left he looked at me and with a subtle intonation directed a personal bye to me.
am i scaring anyone with this shit yet? well then check this out.
so on the bus home i status updated how much i loved him, liked it, wrote a little addendum comment to the update and then distracted myself with writing to try to keep myself from hyperventilating in a happy panic attack or compulsively masturbating on public transit.
when i got home, i got on to the facebook, and posted some comment on his wall where i congratulated him and then apologized for not talking to him - something he wouldnt have cared if i did or not. cause thats how this creepy gets down. i also addendumed about that on my update cause i forget everyone can see that shit on the news feeds. whateves.
i want to go see him tonight and tomorrow night but that would be too much. he's so cool and so fucking hot.
now, i want you to know that i love him. i love him very dearly for a number of reasons, so lets get right into the creepy and bring up the most ridiculous of reasons.
1) i had a dream about him once where he asked me to go to the x-games with him. i know, who the fuck goes or knows or cares about the fagging x-games. it could have also been no so silent night or bfd. two more things i should have stopped thinking about after high school.
the best part about this dream is that i began with my cousins and i hanging out trying on clothes in an antique store. the subconscious is a weird thing. in our funky expedition we run into Dov and some other people, friends, i would assume, either ours or his. he hangs out, puts in his pair of pennies on the clothes kuzzie and cuzzie are trying on. im just hanging out watching everything playing with hanging beads on a lamp. hand to god, this is literally what i am dreaming up for myself.
Dov is digging on my kuzzie (remember borderline criminality no names no nothing) kuzzie had a boy friend at the time and wasnt digging Dov so she flirted and then then stopped when it was no longer fun.
Dov approached my other cuzzie and started to chat her up, and for some reason or another a mushroom was why she wasnt into it. not drugs not an actual mushroom no innuendo. just a mushroom.
after hitting on both of my cousins, he comes up and talks to me. for no reason at all i am laying on the floor leaning on a wall. he lies down completely on the floor and says, "your cousins dont want to go, do you want to come to the x-games with me?" i say yes.
so even in my dreams where i can live out my wildest fantasies, were i can be everything i am not, where left is right and right is left, i still manage to shit on my own face and make myself a last resort to some unrealistic celebrity crush. i was totally into it tho, i was hella happy both of my more attractive and cooler cousins said no.
2) when i first started to think about doing comedy i watched comedy central all the time. during my lunch i watched all the clips of stand up comics they had trying to figure out how the hell i was going to approach this, the most amazing thing ive ever heard of. i feel that is a pure raw form of art and the last bit of honest free speech left or at least that think of...any how, back to boys.
SO. i was watching tv with my sister i asked her to check what was on comedy central and it was Dov. his half hour special was on. i wanted to watch and she said i think i saw this guy, he has some joke about smelling cookies.
he was awesome, he didnt do the normal delivery and whatever (when it comes to comedy i know nothing i just love it blindly with all my heart (thats gay huh (love is gay sometimes))). i loved everything, i dont want to try to describe what he does or go on and on about my personal yet inaccurate interpretation of his stand up. i just love him, i love every part about him and he kinda solidified my decision to try comedy, cause it might be fun.
i then proceeded to look him up on line and learn everything i could about him. i had the dream about him after i saw him on tv, it wasnt some magical soul mate premonition connection, i just wanted to bring out the creepy first. gotta start strong.
3) yesterday he was preforming at the punchline. i missed him the first time. sidebust: when he posted the event on facebook i was the first to respond that i was attending and it was just me and him on the attending list thing. i hope he noticed. but then i didnt make it cause i cant remember why but i didnt make it.
ANYHOW. i went to see his show yesterday. i was a little late, i talked to my front door best friend and finished my cigarette. as i am settling into the im-here state from the run-there state, Dov comes out to smoke. my insides throw up on themselves and all i could do was stare at my front door best friend and gesture with my head and communicate with my eyes, OMG thats him.
with a bit of the run-to-the-punch anxiety still in me i turn to him and stick out my hand to meet him and say i love you. those words came out of my mouth. i think they were followed by youre awesome. this is what i get for not thinking never ever in my life and most importantly before i speak.
thats all i could get out. he said cool and asked my name, as you do i suppose when fan girls come up to you and gush verbal vomit on your shoes. he had a cigarette out and needed a light so, being the gentle men i am, i brought out my lighter and began to light his cigarette. he must have thought i was going to hand it to him cause he ended up cupping my hands as i lit him. yea, were in love and getting married soon. i can still feel his hands touching mine because i am severely unbalanced and 100% all natural bat shit insane.
i usually hate the accidental hand touch, but this made me soil my pants with pure joy. in his set, which is why i know we are truly in love and meant to be together, he looked toward the back of the room and said, hey girl in the back that i met outside, what is your name. i had a little love implosion and then said my name as loud enough to be heard but soft enough to seem stable. he asked if i had a boy friend, to which i answered 'nah'. im such a tool. he said something else but i was too busy pulling some raging beatles fan weeping on the inside.
i was in knots the rest of the show but i loved it. it was a great fucking show, he is a badass and super hilarious awesome. i was covered in my own excitement and too nervous that i was going to dive face first into his pants to talk to him. but as he left he looked at me and with a subtle intonation directed a personal bye to me.
am i scaring anyone with this shit yet? well then check this out.
so on the bus home i status updated how much i loved him, liked it, wrote a little addendum comment to the update and then distracted myself with writing to try to keep myself from hyperventilating in a happy panic attack or compulsively masturbating on public transit.
when i got home, i got on to the facebook, and posted some comment on his wall where i congratulated him and then apologized for not talking to him - something he wouldnt have cared if i did or not. cause thats how this creepy gets down. i also addendumed about that on my update cause i forget everyone can see that shit on the news feeds. whateves.
i want to go see him tonight and tomorrow night but that would be too much. he's so cool and so fucking hot.
Monday, April 5, 2010
inaugural entry
first of all, the title of this, my first blog, sounds sexy.
second, this blog was started to entertain my friends first, and everyone else second...
i will stop enumerating.
due to the borderline criminality of this blog i will have to keep everything super secret and vague. no names no nothing. so it will be difficult to explain everything...lets give it a try anyway.
lets say im in the service industry because my work situation involves contact with people in a service kind of way. i frequently see the same, i guess we can say customers, regularly. there are some that i like and some that i do not. i also have a favorite...he shall be known hereafter as my favorite. fav for short.
declarations of love have only been through status updates on facebook. my friends wanted more so here you go.
from a safe distance and legal manner i have loved my favorite for about a year. he is a frequenter of my work place because he needs assistance that my office provides.
shit, i am reveling to much, fine i work in an office. lets say a "law office", and the services provided "legal assistance" and the people who come in will be "clients"...this is getting ridiculous. i should really parameterize things so they make sense, but im not gonna.
ANYWAY...
we are on retainer for 2 years, due to the nature of his, legal situation.
hehe, this is fun.
i have loved him and he has been my favorite for about a year now. i liked him the moment i met him. he caught my attention, not because of his dashing good looks, but because he was not an asshole. most of our clients are antagonizing, he was uncharacteristically understanding and friendly. he was a fun client to help, then my favorite to see, soon i started to look forward to his visits, and now my whole day's joy is dependent on whether or not he comes in to the office.
we've had brief exchanges where he has told me that i was helpful, and more and more we are having more involved interactions where there is, what i would say, playful conversation.
i feel like this growing interaction started after i, rather psychotically, posted a missed connection about him. i didnt say anything about either of us or where i worked or the nature of our 'connection' but i think the mere fact that my adoration had a physical presence or was released from my mind out to the world escalated our relationship from strictly professional to playfully unprofessional. its still professional.
the missed connection said, more or less, 'this is not a missed connection nor is it an attempt to get in contact with you, but every once in a while you come in to my job and i get to help you, that makes showing up to work worth it'
someone in the mission responded 'thank you' but that was not him. he lives in the sunset, where i work, and also the neighborhood specified in the missed connection.
seriously tho, after that, the interactions with him were a lot more fun then before.
i mange to be a total goober when i see him now. we or he jokingly spoke spanish one time. he gave me a nick name once because he saw a note from my coworker with my initials on it. and he always asks how i am doing when he comes in.
recently i helped him with out even knowing it. i gave him a tiny bit more help then he needed and explained a legal matter that was holding him up.
i just saw him today. on the streets. i didnt have my glasses on but i recognized him from a block away. as we got closer i waved.
he came up to me and shook my hand. he jokingly said ... something to the effect of can i have an extension on the retainer. my first thought was i would do anything for you. i could not escape from this first thought and tried joking back but only got out i wish i could.
id like to point out now that the 'law office' facade is annoying and does not translate well.
also take note of the fact that i have spent the last two hours setting up and writing this post. i will lose my paralegal job any day now, because i put my silly little crush above all else at work. its not silly its true love.
anyway, it is 5 and time to leave. there will be more.
second, this blog was started to entertain my friends first, and everyone else second...
i will stop enumerating.
due to the borderline criminality of this blog i will have to keep everything super secret and vague. no names no nothing. so it will be difficult to explain everything...lets give it a try anyway.
lets say im in the service industry because my work situation involves contact with people in a service kind of way. i frequently see the same, i guess we can say customers, regularly. there are some that i like and some that i do not. i also have a favorite...he shall be known hereafter as my favorite. fav for short.
declarations of love have only been through status updates on facebook. my friends wanted more so here you go.
from a safe distance and legal manner i have loved my favorite for about a year. he is a frequenter of my work place because he needs assistance that my office provides.
shit, i am reveling to much, fine i work in an office. lets say a "law office", and the services provided "legal assistance" and the people who come in will be "clients"...this is getting ridiculous. i should really parameterize things so they make sense, but im not gonna.
ANYWAY...
we are on retainer for 2 years, due to the nature of his, legal situation.
hehe, this is fun.
i have loved him and he has been my favorite for about a year now. i liked him the moment i met him. he caught my attention, not because of his dashing good looks, but because he was not an asshole. most of our clients are antagonizing, he was uncharacteristically understanding and friendly. he was a fun client to help, then my favorite to see, soon i started to look forward to his visits, and now my whole day's joy is dependent on whether or not he comes in to the office.
we've had brief exchanges where he has told me that i was helpful, and more and more we are having more involved interactions where there is, what i would say, playful conversation.
i feel like this growing interaction started after i, rather psychotically, posted a missed connection about him. i didnt say anything about either of us or where i worked or the nature of our 'connection' but i think the mere fact that my adoration had a physical presence or was released from my mind out to the world escalated our relationship from strictly professional to playfully unprofessional. its still professional.
the missed connection said, more or less, 'this is not a missed connection nor is it an attempt to get in contact with you, but every once in a while you come in to my job and i get to help you, that makes showing up to work worth it'
someone in the mission responded 'thank you' but that was not him. he lives in the sunset, where i work, and also the neighborhood specified in the missed connection.
seriously tho, after that, the interactions with him were a lot more fun then before.
i mange to be a total goober when i see him now. we or he jokingly spoke spanish one time. he gave me a nick name once because he saw a note from my coworker with my initials on it. and he always asks how i am doing when he comes in.
recently i helped him with out even knowing it. i gave him a tiny bit more help then he needed and explained a legal matter that was holding him up.
i just saw him today. on the streets. i didnt have my glasses on but i recognized him from a block away. as we got closer i waved.
he came up to me and shook my hand. he jokingly said ... something to the effect of can i have an extension on the retainer. my first thought was i would do anything for you. i could not escape from this first thought and tried joking back but only got out i wish i could.
id like to point out now that the 'law office' facade is annoying and does not translate well.
also take note of the fact that i have spent the last two hours setting up and writing this post. i will lose my paralegal job any day now, because i put my silly little crush above all else at work. its not silly its true love.
anyway, it is 5 and time to leave. there will be more.
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