today

"Today is the greatest
Day I ’ve ever kown
Can’t live for tomorrow
Tomorrow’s much too long
I burn my eyes out
Before I get out"

::today::smashing pumpkins::

mentally i cannot move past 1995. BUT i can still party like its 1999, not remembering how devastatingly disappointing it was to "party" as a 16 yr old. i was at a japantown celebration with my family. my boyfriend at the time was there too. i think i blew him in the hotel room when no one was looking. jesus didnt want us to have sex but didnt mind me on my knees. i guess cum shots to the face are just what jesus would do. over sharing but im just in that kind of mood.

im a lil under the weather and having inner ear problems. shall we talk about painfully obsessive infatuation? lets.

so, in previous encounter, which i forgot to mention in the last post, my favorite had stopped in, and as he was leaving he said, "i wont be seeing you for a while, like all summer. will you miss me?" i looked at him as if to say "more then you will ever know, return to me, you are my only joy." i really said, "sure will." because i am an ass.

well after all that i expected a summer free from embarrassment and the taste of my foot in my throat.

until today, he strolls right in, back pack free, still in the blue button up and says something to me but i am to wound up in the unexpected crossing of our paths. he was radiant today.

strolls, he really waltzes, floats gracefully across the floor, a floor unfit for the steps of a god. now his entrance was extra special today, an arrow to the heart, he sang my name!

AND HE WAS NOT SINGING MELISSA!

i of course was unshowered, as i usually am when he comes in; this time three days unkempt. i threw him off tho, i saw surprise in his eyes, a subtle pause as he looked a smidgen longer as if to make sure it was not someone else.

i got contacts. there is nothing between us any longer, i can lock eyes with him. look into the window of his soul with my real eyes. no glass separating what could be our love in real time, in wide screen HD. ive been working with out my glasses cause they piss me off, but this time was different, he could tell i was seeing, the focus was there.

what happens next does not matter. for we saw each other for the first time, he sang and i answered with a piercing gaze into to the very depths of his being.

i honestly dont remember what happened next. i know i spoke with an only partly shame soaked stutter and tripped only slightly over my more coherent speech.

i found footing i never noticed before; probably cause i was blind, both literally and figuratively, the latter being the blinding light of love.

he came close, no contrived leaning on desks, no backpack crutch, just us, people not servicer and servee. just a dude and a chick.

or not. again i do not actually remember. i think i am anticipating the swift kick to the nuts reality has in store for me. this is his last year. last year of visits. and his finally year with a marital status of single. a facebook status of engaged, the edge; standing on the precipice of freedom and the fall into a maiming death of marriage. if something fated is to happen. it is to happen this 2010-2011. i tip my hand with that, but we are in the home stretch.

its the contacts.

playing from memory

there have been a few run-ins with my precious favorite. i am unable to log them in real time because my job is very demanding. only light late afternoon facebooking is all i can get away with. shame shame, i know your name.

he has called in a few times since we last wrote, blog. it is nice to hear his voice, sweet little whispers in my ear help me forget how he belongs to someone else and will be leaving me june 2011. like romeo and juliet knowing the end is inevitable makes the brief love filled exchanges so much more powerful.

he called multiple times in a day. he needs help. he came in a time or two. i think he may have caught the doggies one visit. kind to animals, his perfection is god like.

i saw him from the bus once. i was riding my way out into the mischief of the night. my public transportation chariot takes me pretty much everywhere i need to go, but it takes me by work going and returning. i saw him, i watched attentivly to see if he glanced up and i may have done a little 'hey, do you see me? i know you' wave; dear god the more i think about it im sure i did it and wish that i didnt.

there is a vague and paranoid memory of him wearing the look of peripheral avoidance, the 'i see you, but i am so enthralled by whatever i am doing i couldnt possibly recognize you'. i know this look all to well, i hate talking to people with whom i only share small talk.

i wanted him to see me, he would then have to acknowledge the fact that i am real person. the office is no where near what i do or who i am as a person. I HAVE FEELINGS AND LOVES OUT SIDE OF....whatever field i said i worked in to keep the anonymity of my employment.

that tho, a creepy 'i recognize you and have been watching and waiting for you to notice me' look and wave would have ruined everything and anything that we have or could have.

well thats all i remember from the recent past. theres a story about today so lets just move on to that...