so my super fav came in again today. looking particularly hansom. he was wearing the light blue button up shirt i so often see him wearing. i never noticed but he has stunning blue eyes, i love him so much.
man he needs so much help from the office in which i work. not complaining i love seeing him, it just speaks to his character hilariously.
***********previously left drafted, henceforth from memory***********
so, my favorite he is so hansom. i have great taste in everything. i see him and i understand what all those love songs are really about. the world and everything in it make sense only because he exists.
AH, so remembering that day...its really been up and down with him. i have two more stories to tell after finish this one.
PH ME OH MY...it has been such a roller-coaster with him; he is the motley unwashed carnie running the rickettey amusement park of my love weathered heart. thrown up and torn down for too many cities on too long of a tour. this metaphor is awesome, but we must move on.
as i remember, and judging from the all caps exclamation pointed title, it was a low point in the relationship between my favorite and i.
he came in looking for help but none from me (per se, it is my job to help who ever comes in). i, of course, help him with everything he needs and wants ... professionally, unfortunately.
after business is taken care of, he comes by to chat - we are, after all friends bound by a business setting.
he casually comes up to my desk, leans one elbow support style on my desk, still holding his jacket in the fold of his arm, back pack worn high; looking adorably child like he composes himself, preparing to pretend to play adult and says playfully, "melissa..." at which point i glance up at my name plate hanging eye level on the wall and shake my head no.
i dont remember what happened. i am pretty sure, actually certain that what i just described up there was from some run in further back in our relationship.
what you need to take away from this is he called me melissa TWICE. or THRICE. its been too long to pick up this entry.
actually i think this entry is tied to a very labor intensive assistance instance. where he left stabbing my heart saying "thanks melissa."
fuck it. one more thing not to live for.
ha. thats funny to me.
the run ins with him at this time were a bit disappointing, because of reality, ie engagement.
lets move on to the other, more recent tales of love and longing i have kept constipatedly in my mind.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
hat trick
He called three times. Each call sexier then the one before.
He's so wonderful and fun to talk to; I want to nuzzle my face against that space between the ear and the shoulder.
I bet he smells good.
Ok I creeped myself there.
Mmm, that sounds nice tho.
He's so wonderful and fun to talk to; I want to nuzzle my face against that space between the ear and the shoulder.
I bet he smells good.
Ok I creeped myself there.
Mmm, that sounds nice tho.
coming in
because of thursday's heart break and some other things id rather not address, this sunday eve i decided to go on a little excursion into party land.
its funny at the mere mention of it my hand goes to my phone and i start searching my memory for who has a car and who is the most likely to have it readily available. its a love of sorts.
the best loves ive known have been as physically gratifying as the were emotional devastating. love like youve never been hurt, right? i try to and this is why i am doomed to repeat my past.
this is playing on the edge of not fun. i have other blogs to bitch into.
SO. too much fun last night had me waking up seeped in disappointment in myself and the painful regret of a less than, well really, a series of less then reasonable decisions.
face down in my pillow i weigh the benefits and detriments of calling in sick. id spend the whole day feeling guilty. id catch up on sleep. id recuperate physically and mentally. id stay in bed all day. i could, if i got out of bed, do my laundry. i could work out. i am trying not to call out sick this month at least. id fall behind at work. it would look bad and add a little notch to the "fire by fault of incompetent employee so the jackass cannot claim unemployment" tally.
that was the clincher.
with out my job i cannot have my apt. which i will need to use as a place, storage, for my hostages of love. unwilling house guests. prisoners. jk. id never do that unless absolutely pushed to.
so i go to work. sitting on the bus i already feel the this is a good hang over set in.
i drudge along with my daily duties. this and that and facebook. blogging. ;)
sidebust: ill get to work in a second.
i think ive mentioned before that i answer phones.
i pick up the phone, greet with my usual greeting, and on the other side i hear, "hi *******, how are you doing?"
i reply, "well how are you?" i am surprised as you should understand; i am a generic fielder of phone calls. no one knows my name...except for MY FAVORITE!
i did not recognize his voice at first. he sounded different, his voice was smoother, as if just waking from a sexy slumber. i imagine him sitting in bed, shirtless of course, he is relaxing after all, in a room with morning sunlight pouring in. tussled hair, not yet showered, he is reading a news or he has npr softly playing in the background. his fiance is NOT THERE because they are NOT FUCKING MARRIED yet. he is enjoying his lasts bits of freedom while he has it.
his first question, "were there dogs friday?"
confused i ask my own question, "im sorry?"
repeating himself, maybe annoyed, "where the dogs in friday?"
response with out thinking, "no," thinking it out a bit more, "i actually wasnt here, i wouldnt know."
doubting my integrity as a person, "so you really have no idea, they could have been there"
defensively in my head, 'you should have come in to check your-fucking-self; you love them so god damn much.'
actually saying, "true."
back to the task at hand, "awe, tisk tisk." i mouth the words over the receiver, 'fuck me,' which is not a demand, although for him it could be an invitation, but it is just a declaration of frustration at myself and incompetency.
he continues, "i was hoping to speak to *****, is she around?"
"let me see if she is free," i say scrambling to get him anything he needs and do anything he wants.
i walk over to *****'s office remembering that she is not too fond of him. i peek in and she is gone. i kinda had a feeling she was, she has a lot of appointments these days.
i return and jump back into service, "im sorry she is not in she on another appointment with another student out of the office."
yes, i said that awkward statement or worse. i blacked out. no i didnt. i just dont remember accurately because i was mortified.
he did not skip a beat, probably expecting some sort of foot mouth action, "oh, ok. maybe you can help me...."
i dont remember what he asked or how i replied. im pretty sure it was awkward in structure and substance. i do remember stuttering. BUT i also remember helping him.
whatever happened the conversation did not end in tears and really thats all i can ask for.
my job should be glad i came in, despite the fact that all ive done so far is blog.
i am glad i came in too. the opportunity to interact with my favorite student is the greatest part of my job. however embarrassing.
its funny at the mere mention of it my hand goes to my phone and i start searching my memory for who has a car and who is the most likely to have it readily available. its a love of sorts.
the best loves ive known have been as physically gratifying as the were emotional devastating. love like youve never been hurt, right? i try to and this is why i am doomed to repeat my past.
this is playing on the edge of not fun. i have other blogs to bitch into.
SO. too much fun last night had me waking up seeped in disappointment in myself and the painful regret of a less than, well really, a series of less then reasonable decisions.
face down in my pillow i weigh the benefits and detriments of calling in sick. id spend the whole day feeling guilty. id catch up on sleep. id recuperate physically and mentally. id stay in bed all day. i could, if i got out of bed, do my laundry. i could work out. i am trying not to call out sick this month at least. id fall behind at work. it would look bad and add a little notch to the "fire by fault of incompetent employee so the jackass cannot claim unemployment" tally.
that was the clincher.
with out my job i cannot have my apt. which i will need to use as a place, storage, for my hostages of love. unwilling house guests. prisoners. jk. id never do that unless absolutely pushed to.
so i go to work. sitting on the bus i already feel the this is a good hang over set in.
i drudge along with my daily duties. this and that and facebook. blogging. ;)
sidebust: ill get to work in a second.
i think ive mentioned before that i answer phones.
i pick up the phone, greet with my usual greeting, and on the other side i hear, "hi *******, how are you doing?"
i reply, "well how are you?" i am surprised as you should understand; i am a generic fielder of phone calls. no one knows my name...except for MY FAVORITE!
i did not recognize his voice at first. he sounded different, his voice was smoother, as if just waking from a sexy slumber. i imagine him sitting in bed, shirtless of course, he is relaxing after all, in a room with morning sunlight pouring in. tussled hair, not yet showered, he is reading a news or he has npr softly playing in the background. his fiance is NOT THERE because they are NOT FUCKING MARRIED yet. he is enjoying his lasts bits of freedom while he has it.
his first question, "were there dogs friday?"
confused i ask my own question, "im sorry?"
repeating himself, maybe annoyed, "where the dogs in friday?"
response with out thinking, "no," thinking it out a bit more, "i actually wasnt here, i wouldnt know."
doubting my integrity as a person, "so you really have no idea, they could have been there"
defensively in my head, 'you should have come in to check your-fucking-self; you love them so god damn much.'
actually saying, "true."
back to the task at hand, "awe, tisk tisk." i mouth the words over the receiver, 'fuck me,' which is not a demand, although for him it could be an invitation, but it is just a declaration of frustration at myself and incompetency.
he continues, "i was hoping to speak to *****, is she around?"
"let me see if she is free," i say scrambling to get him anything he needs and do anything he wants.
i walk over to *****'s office remembering that she is not too fond of him. i peek in and she is gone. i kinda had a feeling she was, she has a lot of appointments these days.
i return and jump back into service, "im sorry she is not in she on another appointment with another student out of the office."
yes, i said that awkward statement or worse. i blacked out. no i didnt. i just dont remember accurately because i was mortified.
he did not skip a beat, probably expecting some sort of foot mouth action, "oh, ok. maybe you can help me...."
i dont remember what he asked or how i replied. im pretty sure it was awkward in structure and substance. i do remember stuttering. BUT i also remember helping him.
whatever happened the conversation did not end in tears and really thats all i can ask for.
my job should be glad i came in, despite the fact that all ive done so far is blog.
i am glad i came in too. the opportunity to interact with my favorite student is the greatest part of my job. however embarrassing.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
melissa
so i was just thinking to myself about how i could sure use a deep dicking, when all of a sudden my favorite walks through the door.
he had some trouble getting in; the door was closing too quickly for him because as he approached the front desk his bag was knocked off his shoulder and i heard him say, "dammit i spilled coffee all over...::mumbles::" i am not sure what he said, too awestruck by his beauty.
i trying my hardest to play it cool, tried to joke around and said (like a jackass) "what are you doing with your life?" which i would like to say, in my defense, is a question i throw out in response to awkward moments or acts by friends and family but mostly myself.
it was not funny.
i am wallowing in shame, as i am reviewing the recent interaction.
back to the story.
he says to me, "i want a dog"
i say, "i dont think that is covered by your....whatever i said we provide as a service to keep my job secret."
he said, "oh really, i heard the dog and dog food was covered."
after an unusual break in the pace of the conversation, i say, "some one lied to you my friend."
then i black out....no i dont. i just dont remember.
i come to, and he asks, "can you get me that wonderfully helpful lady..."
"*****?"
"yes, ***** can i see her?"
"sure let me see if she is available"
i walk away from the desk and down the hall, hoping he is looking a my ass, im wearing nice ass pants. i feel insanely ridiculous and arrogant saying all that, and honestly for even thinking it. i dont have a nice ass, these pants are very flattering is all.
butt i digress.
i ask ***** if she could see my favorite. she makes a 'omg not this guy' face. she tries to push him on to another...fuck it, advisor. (i had some elaborate cover up scheme and structure to talk about my work place but the interactions between my favorite are too infrequent for me to remember what i had set up; and although i do love reading my own blogs over and over, i have not done it with this one yet.)
as it turns out he is not everyone's favorite. i stayed in the office telling ***** everything i knew off the top of my head, but sounding like i looked up before i came to talk to her. i was in there for a hot minute and i could hear his adorable kermit the frog voice chatting with the other girl at the front desk. i got sad and jealous all at once. she is very pretty and much cooler then me, she is not socially retarded and can have conversations that are not filled with embarrassment and feet-mouth.
[i started this entry whatever day it happened. i couldnt finish it then so i am finishing it now. its monday and i dont really remember what exactly wanted to write about...oh ok yea i remember]
so i came out with ***** (which sounds funny to me cause shes gay), she said she could see him. he said thanks and walked back to her office. i checked out his ass, it was adorable.
after sometime he came back to see me where he put his elbow on the desk propping himself up in that "it is understood that this is a casual stance" kinda stance.
this was totally fun until...he called me melissa.
he said, "melissa i have to tell you something."
i stared at him blankly, he knows my fucking name. i gave him sometime to back peddle, which he did not. so i say, "close, its *******." [jackass which is said in my mind or under my breath, i hope its in my mind only].
i was and am hurt. if you go back into previous entries you will see. he not only knows my name but has also given me a nickname. and super bonus over time, my name plate is on the wall, at eye level, right next to the front desk.
he says, "awe, i knew that. im sorry," he continues, "*******, i have to tell you something."
pause for dramatic effect, this pause was not actually in the exchange.
"i am getting engaged."
"congratulations" i respond with sarcasm and what i believe is condescending tone. at this moment i started to check in with my personal beliefs and thoughts on the subject of marriage. my first and only thought was; youre retarded. i love you, but you are ruining your life.
it must have recently happened because the next things out of his mouth were, "thank you. im engaged, its great. its a great day. you have a great day."
and then took off. skipping the fuck out the door.
stabbed in the face twice over. second mention of betrayal engagement and he forgot my name. i think her name is melissa.
i imagine this is what it feels like when you are boning and at the height of passion your partner stabs you in the throat. twice.
he had some trouble getting in; the door was closing too quickly for him because as he approached the front desk his bag was knocked off his shoulder and i heard him say, "dammit i spilled coffee all over...::mumbles::" i am not sure what he said, too awestruck by his beauty.
i trying my hardest to play it cool, tried to joke around and said (like a jackass) "what are you doing with your life?" which i would like to say, in my defense, is a question i throw out in response to awkward moments or acts by friends and family but mostly myself.
it was not funny.
i am wallowing in shame, as i am reviewing the recent interaction.
back to the story.
he says to me, "i want a dog"
i say, "i dont think that is covered by your....whatever i said we provide as a service to keep my job secret."
he said, "oh really, i heard the dog and dog food was covered."
after an unusual break in the pace of the conversation, i say, "some one lied to you my friend."
then i black out....no i dont. i just dont remember.
i come to, and he asks, "can you get me that wonderfully helpful lady..."
"*****?"
"yes, ***** can i see her?"
"sure let me see if she is available"
i walk away from the desk and down the hall, hoping he is looking a my ass, im wearing nice ass pants. i feel insanely ridiculous and arrogant saying all that, and honestly for even thinking it. i dont have a nice ass, these pants are very flattering is all.
butt i digress.
i ask ***** if she could see my favorite. she makes a 'omg not this guy' face. she tries to push him on to another...fuck it, advisor. (i had some elaborate cover up scheme and structure to talk about my work place but the interactions between my favorite are too infrequent for me to remember what i had set up; and although i do love reading my own blogs over and over, i have not done it with this one yet.)
as it turns out he is not everyone's favorite. i stayed in the office telling ***** everything i knew off the top of my head, but sounding like i looked up before i came to talk to her. i was in there for a hot minute and i could hear his adorable kermit the frog voice chatting with the other girl at the front desk. i got sad and jealous all at once. she is very pretty and much cooler then me, she is not socially retarded and can have conversations that are not filled with embarrassment and feet-mouth.
[i started this entry whatever day it happened. i couldnt finish it then so i am finishing it now. its monday and i dont really remember what exactly wanted to write about...oh ok yea i remember]
so i came out with ***** (which sounds funny to me cause shes gay), she said she could see him. he said thanks and walked back to her office. i checked out his ass, it was adorable.
after sometime he came back to see me where he put his elbow on the desk propping himself up in that "it is understood that this is a casual stance" kinda stance.
this was totally fun until...he called me melissa.
he said, "melissa i have to tell you something."
i stared at him blankly, he knows my fucking name. i gave him sometime to back peddle, which he did not. so i say, "close, its *******." [jackass which is said in my mind or under my breath, i hope its in my mind only].
i was and am hurt. if you go back into previous entries you will see. he not only knows my name but has also given me a nickname. and super bonus over time, my name plate is on the wall, at eye level, right next to the front desk.
he says, "awe, i knew that. im sorry," he continues, "*******, i have to tell you something."
pause for dramatic effect, this pause was not actually in the exchange.
"i am getting engaged."
"congratulations" i respond with sarcasm and what i believe is condescending tone. at this moment i started to check in with my personal beliefs and thoughts on the subject of marriage. my first and only thought was; youre retarded. i love you, but you are ruining your life.
it must have recently happened because the next things out of his mouth were, "thank you. im engaged, its great. its a great day. you have a great day."
and then took off. skipping the fuck out the door.
stabbed in the face twice over. second mention of betrayal engagement and he forgot my name. i think her name is melissa.
i imagine this is what it feels like when you are boning and at the height of passion your partner stabs you in the throat. twice.
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