chocolate covered love

hey guys...
guess who i ran into?
my favorite!

i was walking around the hood...work neighbor hood at lunch. i bought cigarettes and grabbed a coffee. i was walking to walgreens to pick up some supplies so i lit a cigarette for the journey.

as i had just brought the cigarette to my mouth, i noticed down the street my favorite; just about a block and a half away.

remember or please note, i am near sighted and a block away is blurry. so i was able to recognize my fuzzy lil favorite from the way he carried his book bag, his button up blue shirt, and his hilariously child like gait.

i knew i could not be caught sucking a cigarette and blowing smoke. as soon as i saw him i took in the last inhale and kept my arms to my sides like a normal strolling person.

the distance between us was closing quickly. flicking or throwing the thing would be at the very least, suspicious.

looking down i knew i had to think fast.

ditch it.

i dropped the cigarette right there. luckily there was a lady coming out of a store to added to the evasiveness of my actions.

we came to a greeting distance where he stuck out his hand and said, "*******, how are you? are the dogs in the office?"

(occasionally the boss lady will bring her black labs into the office)

i said, "only fridays."

he said, "but it is friday."

its thursday. so i responded to that with a confused look, too love struck to correct him.

he picked up on this and said, "oh, its thurdsay." jokingly disappointed he shook his head and popped up with, "get your shit together, ***."

(the first series of asterisk are my first name, the latter my last.)

i lolled.

i was thrilled at the thought that he was comfortable around me enough to a) crack jokes and b) make those jokes full of profanities.

hehehehe

so the subject/title of the blog may not have made sense given the tale. i think you can see the cover part as the covering of my bad habits.

here is the rest of the title inspiration: we were both carrying a cup-o-joe, coffee for the layman. which i can only assume we consume in mass amounts because when i saw him he looked like a little kid who just ate a chocolate bar.

<3

wicked embarrassment

SO LOVE BLOG...blog, you are worthless to me now. HE IS GETTING MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE. fucknut.

bphhh.

so, what do we do now? mere days after starting you, blog, we find out that he is engaged and all the fun has been beaten out of us, by the bat of reality with the nail of truth through it, as to ensure maximum damage.

life is rough.

good thing we are retreating deeper and deeper in to the welcoming interwebs.

GOD DAMMN YOU BLOG. Ugh. we had so much fucking potential. i havent even him since our last post...friggin asshole. :'(

but still i love him so...

too many ellipsis...ziz. anyhow thats the end of that.

...or is it.

hahaha. i have become drunk with delusion. we should have been a bartender. these cocktails of make believe are strong and delicious.

SO, ok, boys and things

i was recently thinking about my most insane moment of obsession and in thinking about it more wish i could smother myself with my own embarrassment.

I in a FIT of MADNESS and boredom, went looking on the interwebs for the love of my life. i am very tempted to use his full name. but i wont. needless to say i found him.

i found his facebook profile, it was started in japan or in some japanese facebook portal or whatever it is. his profile was very strongly privatized. he did have a profile picture; he had some cheesy posed professional style pictures of him and a lady. i thought to myself, i thought, well that looks like engagement photos one would paste on front of a card demanding that you save some date.

i happened to see a little thumbnail of a girl who looked like the lady in the picture - no why should i half truth you blog, i looked through all of his friends and found her. i clicked on the pic, it was not so private, and i found out that she was his fiance and that they were getting married.

stupid bitch had all her photos publicified so i went through them all. he graduated, they went on several trips with his family, she went to his brothers graduation, and they were getting fucking married.

so i left.

i returned months later after being reminded of it all by looking through my blog, reading my old posts because i am that self involved. i can beat myself up for days, lets stick to the story/over-sharing/confession of illegal recreations.

i returned to his profile to find the picture had changed. it was cheesy posed wedding photos. it was a beautiful beach wedding, i know because i went through all of them. i also skipped through some reception videos. i couldnt really bring myself to watch them, besides i had no sound.

it was not as bad as i thought; meaning of course i didnt shit my pants weeping at work. i met him in college. i did really love him. i do still think of him and us, what were were; three years of never really being together outside of the hours of 12am and 4am.

im getting over it cause i have to...and its about time. ha. it was easily five years, no. it was seven. huh, its funny what other wickedly devastating event allows me to remember the exact year. but i digress.

so thats the end of that. i dont know why i insist on providing you, blog, with evidence of how bat shit insane i can be as if i needed to convince you. it is sooo far fetched.

well, im just saying, ive done it before, im never going to learn. i am a child. i will continue to act on ill conceived ideas only to fully think them through the following day.

perhaps this confessional blog will be one of those things.

because here is his profile.
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/tecjnology?hiq=alejandro%2Ccarreno
happy hunting folks.

called out

today my favorite called the office looking to schedule an appointment. i tried to schedule an appointment but things didnt work out and he is going to come in during drop in hours which will really work out better for his schedule anyway...but thats not whats important.

when i answered the phone and, well, got called out....
well, ok, so just check out the transcription.

::tele ring a ding dingie::

me: ******* ********* *** Office.

favorite: hello is this christine?

me: um, this is *******, how can i help you?

favorite: oh, hai, this is your favorite [client] to help

me: oh hai....::crumples up inside, trying to stop from sarcastically congratulate him on his engagement::

END TRANSMISSION.

i later saw him in starbucks. he looked over and i was staring at him. i did the whats up nod. he looked at me not really acknowledging knowing or seeing me, maybe smiled a bit. when threw up a half assed wave he turned and continued on with his colleagues.

:(
boo.

i am suspicious...do you know im a creepster, favorite? are you fucking with me young man? i do not appreciate it. stalkers fancy themselves as super stealth love ninjas, if you have me figured out, you are playing the game wrong! at this point you should restrain order me, or something.

this is just a sign that i am bad at what i do...you really ought to tell me so that i can up my skills. so inconsiderate.

...or maybe you like our little game, NICE. i dig it. im still upping my game.

STILL. favorite, your engagement is putting an awkward strain on our relationship. dont be scared i am not going to do anything, im just going to stare at you longingly. no touching. respecting the prime directive, im just here to observe and learn.

:T

my life is over

my favorite came in to the office today.

he spoke of engagement rings...
but not for me.

it will take all my strength not to end my life, because i cant live if living is with out him.

even if it is not by my hand, i fear my life is in danger. i feel weak, i feel cold, i feel my life draining away. i am dying of a broken heart.

i am reminded of the story of the little mermaid. a young girl who traded everything to pursue her love. she eventually had to watch her love marry another woman. she did not stop the marriage even though it meant she her life.

she turned into sea foam.

fuck me that sucks right.

real talk: ok, so this whole crush love on my favorite is mostly for fun. it is a way for me to entertain myself and get through the work day.

it was tho based on a little crush i had on this guy. he is cute and funny and i enjoy talking to him and helping him when he comes into the office.

i knew he had a girl friend and was pretty much engaged because they both came in when he started school.

this however is a little kick in the nuts.

reality ruining all my fun. :(


on top of it all it might have been him when i was smoking....maybe this is all a game. hahaha.

close call

i walk around the neighborhood where i work during lunch. i am a chain smoker. my favorite lives in the neighborhood around my job. i dont know how he feels about smokers.

i was walking and smoking and threw out a cigarette cause i thought i saw my favorite crossing the street in front of me. when i got to the corner to look up the street to see if it was him, i was relieved to see it was not him.

this kid who crossed the street had gotten a half block away, but i knew it wasnt my favorite.

i can recognize him from the back.

well aware i am creepy, fuck off.

<3

more then one flavor of crazy

besides my favorite, i have an in-my-head relationship with celebrities and famous people. so today i will talk to you about my super fan girl crush on Dov Davidoff.

now, i want you to know that i love him. i love him very dearly for a number of reasons, so lets get right into the creepy and bring up the most ridiculous of reasons.

1) i had a dream about him once where he asked me to go to the x-games with him. i know, who the fuck goes or knows or cares about the fagging x-games. it could have also been no so silent night or bfd. two more things i should have stopped thinking about after high school.

the best part about this dream is that i began with my cousins and i hanging out trying on clothes in an antique store. the subconscious is a weird thing. in our funky expedition we run into Dov and some other people, friends, i would assume, either ours or his. he hangs out, puts in his pair of pennies on the clothes kuzzie and cuzzie are trying on. im just hanging out watching everything playing with hanging beads on a lamp. hand to god, this is literally what i am dreaming up for myself.

Dov is digging on my kuzzie (remember borderline criminality no names no nothing) kuzzie had a boy friend at the time and wasnt digging Dov so she flirted and then then stopped when it was no longer fun.

Dov approached my other cuzzie and started to chat her up, and for some reason or another a mushroom was why she wasnt into it. not drugs not an actual mushroom no innuendo. just a mushroom.

after hitting on both of my cousins, he comes up and talks to me. for no reason at all i am laying on the floor leaning on a wall. he lies down completely on the floor and says, "your cousins dont want to go, do you want to come to the x-games with me?" i say yes.

so even in my dreams where i can live out my wildest fantasies, were i can be everything i am not, where left is right and right is left, i still manage to shit on my own face and make myself a last resort to some unrealistic celebrity crush. i was totally into it tho, i was hella happy both of my more attractive and cooler cousins said no.

2) when i first started to think about doing comedy i watched comedy central all the time. during my lunch i watched all the clips of stand up comics they had trying to figure out how the hell i was going to approach this, the most amazing thing ive ever heard of. i feel that is a pure raw form of art and the last bit of honest free speech left or at least that think of...any how, back to boys.

SO. i was watching tv with my sister i asked her to check what was on comedy central and it was Dov. his half hour special was on. i wanted to watch and she said i think i saw this guy, he has some joke about smelling cookies.

he was awesome, he didnt do the normal delivery and whatever (when it comes to comedy i know nothing i just love it blindly with all my heart (thats gay huh (love is gay sometimes))). i loved everything, i dont want to try to describe what he does or go on and on about my personal yet inaccurate interpretation of his stand up. i just love him, i love every part about him and he kinda solidified my decision to try comedy, cause it might be fun.

i then proceeded to look him up on line and learn everything i could about him. i had the dream about him after i saw him on tv, it wasnt some magical soul mate premonition connection, i just wanted to bring out the creepy first. gotta start strong.

3) yesterday he was preforming at the punchline. i missed him the first time. sidebust: when he posted the event on facebook i was the first to respond that i was attending and it was just me and him on the attending list thing. i hope he noticed. but then i didnt make it cause i cant remember why but i didnt make it.

ANYHOW. i went to see his show yesterday. i was a little late, i talked to my front door best friend and finished my cigarette. as i am settling into the im-here state from the run-there state, Dov comes out to smoke. my insides throw up on themselves and all i could do was stare at my front door best friend and gesture with my head and communicate with my eyes, OMG thats him.

with a bit of the run-to-the-punch anxiety still in me i turn to him and stick out my hand to meet him and say i love you. those words came out of my mouth. i think they were followed by youre awesome. this is what i get for not thinking never ever in my life and most importantly before i speak.

thats all i could get out. he said cool and asked my name, as you do i suppose when fan girls come up to you and gush verbal vomit on your shoes. he had a cigarette out and needed a light so, being the gentle men i am, i brought out my lighter and began to light his cigarette. he must have thought i was going to hand it to him cause he ended up cupping my hands as i lit him. yea, were in love and getting married soon. i can still feel his hands touching mine because i am severely unbalanced and 100% all natural bat shit insane.

i usually hate the accidental hand touch, but this made me soil my pants with pure joy. in his set, which is why i know we are truly in love and meant to be together, he looked toward the back of the room and said, hey girl in the back that i met outside, what is your name. i had a little love implosion and then said my name as loud enough to be heard but soft enough to seem stable. he asked if i had a boy friend, to which i answered 'nah'. im such a tool. he said something else but i was too busy pulling some raging beatles fan weeping on the inside.

i was in knots the rest of the show but i loved it. it was a great fucking show, he is a badass and super hilarious awesome. i was covered in my own excitement and too nervous that i was going to dive face first into his pants to talk to him. but as he left he looked at me and with a subtle intonation directed a personal bye to me.

am i scaring anyone with this shit yet? well then check this out.

so on the bus home i status updated how much i loved him, liked it, wrote a little addendum comment to the update and then distracted myself with writing to try to keep myself from hyperventilating in a happy panic attack or compulsively masturbating on public transit.

when i got home, i got on to the facebook, and posted some comment on his wall where i congratulated him and then apologized for not talking to him - something he wouldnt have cared if i did or not. cause thats how this creepy gets down. i also addendumed about that on my update cause i forget everyone can see that shit on the news feeds. whateves.

i want to go see him tonight and tomorrow night but that would be too much. he's so cool and so fucking hot.

inaugural entry

first of all, the title of this, my first blog, sounds sexy.

second, this blog was started to entertain my friends first, and everyone else second...

i will stop enumerating.

due to the borderline criminality of this blog i will have to keep everything super secret and vague. no names no nothing. so it will be difficult to explain everything...lets give it a try anyway.

lets say im in the service industry because my work situation involves contact with people in a service kind of way. i frequently see the same, i guess we can say customers, regularly. there are some that i like and some that i do not. i also have a favorite...he shall be known hereafter as my favorite. fav for short.

declarations of love have only been through status updates on facebook. my friends wanted more so here you go.

from a safe distance and legal manner i have loved my favorite for about a year. he is a frequenter of my work place because he needs assistance that my office provides.

shit, i am reveling to much, fine i work in an office. lets say a "law office", and the services provided "legal assistance" and the people who come in will be "clients"...this is getting ridiculous. i should really parameterize things so they make sense, but im not gonna.

ANYWAY...

we are on retainer for 2 years, due to the nature of his, legal situation.

hehe, this is fun.

i have loved him and he has been my favorite for about a year now. i liked him the moment i met him. he caught my attention, not because of his dashing good looks, but because he was not an asshole. most of our clients are antagonizing, he was uncharacteristically understanding and friendly. he was a fun client to help, then my favorite to see, soon i started to look forward to his visits, and now my whole day's joy is dependent on whether or not he comes in to the office.

we've had brief exchanges where he has told me that i was helpful, and more and more we are having more involved interactions where there is, what i would say, playful conversation.

i feel like this growing interaction started after i, rather psychotically, posted a missed connection about him. i didnt say anything about either of us or where i worked or the nature of our 'connection' but i think the mere fact that my adoration had a physical presence or was released from my mind out to the world escalated our relationship from strictly professional to playfully unprofessional. its still professional.

the missed connection said, more or less, 'this is not a missed connection nor is it an attempt to get in contact with you, but every once in a while you come in to my job and i get to help you, that makes showing up to work worth it'

someone in the mission responded 'thank you' but that was not him. he lives in the sunset, where i work, and also the neighborhood specified in the missed connection.

seriously tho, after that, the interactions with him were a lot more fun then before.

i mange to be a total goober when i see him now. we or he jokingly spoke spanish one time. he gave me a nick name once because he saw a note from my coworker with my initials on it. and he always asks how i am doing when he comes in.

recently i helped him with out even knowing it. i gave him a tiny bit more help then he needed and explained a legal matter that was holding him up.

i just saw him today. on the streets. i didnt have my glasses on but i recognized him from a block away. as we got closer i waved.

he came up to me and shook my hand. he jokingly said ... something to the effect of can i have an extension on the retainer. my first thought was i would do anything for you. i could not escape from this first thought and tried joking back but only got out i wish i could.

id like to point out now that the 'law office' facade is annoying and does not translate well.

also take note of the fact that i have spent the last two hours setting up and writing this post. i will lose my paralegal job any day now, because i put my silly little crush above all else at work. its not silly its true love.

anyway, it is 5 and time to leave. there will be more.